Dear Diary(tales from the crib)

Dear Diary: I don't know about this moving stuff. I have to supervise and help as much as possible. After all Mommy and Daddy might not get it right. So I am the official box checker. I get in and make sure the box is sturdy enough to hold all MY precious valuables, like binkies, toys, my brothers things that I want. I have also been known to take things out of a box mommy is packing if I dont think it should be in there.



After I get through checking the box from the inside I must check the box from the outside and add a wee bit of baby drool in order to make the packing process go smoother. If the baby drool isn't there, it is NOT done right.

And everyone knows after a hard day of helping mommy do it right, you gotta have a binky break. What would life be without binkies. I heard someone tell Mommy the other day she should, get this "TAKE MY BINKY AWAY". What? Are they NUTS? I was so proud of my mommy. She said I am not ready to lose my binky. I whole heartedly agree. After all, all this moving and packing is stressful.

That hasn't been my only stress in life lately. The other day mommy took me to the dr place. I do NOT like that place and I do not know when she will understand that! I tell her no no no, but she doesnt listen. Anyway, they made me lay on the shakey table. Said to see how big I am. I dont care how big I am I do NOT like that shakey table. I am 18lbs by the way and 26 3/4 inches. Dr man says I am small and mommy should make me gain weight. But mommy is happy with me just like I am cause I am fearfully and wonderfully made and very healthy and can do all sorts of neat tricks. Then get this........it happened.......the most horrible thing of all. The lady in the bright pretty shirt and pants came in and POKED me with a sharp stick! MOMMY HELD ME DOWN! I was outraged and it HURT. NOT nice, those people are MEAN MEAN MEAN. So finally I got settled down and we went to see daddy at work. As soon as I saw him I started crying so he would KNOW how upsetting my day was. Now that doesn't end it........no, more things happened. Some good some bad. My mommy's sister came to visit with my Nanny and cousins. But the thing is I was soooooooo confused. Mommy's sister...........she looks JUST LIKE MOMMY. Now tell me if that wouldn't confuse you too. First time, I wondered if mommy had slipped something in my bottle(not that she would) and I was seeing double. Mommy asked me for a kiss and I kissed Auntie cause I wasnt sure who to kiss. Then I decided it was better to just hang out in daddy's arms and stare at mommy and auntie. Two mommy looking people is just to mind boggling. After they left, I got really, really hot and felt so bad. Mommy stuck that icky thing in my bottom and said I had a temperature. This happened a week after the dr visit and I was scared she was going to take me back. The next day I broke out in a few spots and the day after that I had spots all over. So now, I am covered in spots. Mommy says I have the chicken pox from that shot I got. I told you shots weren't a good idea.....see what happens when you get poked.....bad things. I dont have fever anymore but lots of spots. My fever was high but it went down after a couple of days. I am a little itchy but that medicine mommy gives me makes me nervous(benadryl) so mommy said she wouldn't make me take it anymore. I act really agitate when I take it and mommy says it isnt worth it. So you see, life as a 1 year old isn't as easy as some people think. And the dr wanted mommy to take my bottle away, mommy said no, not til after we move cause too much change is bad for ya. I agree cause I love my bottle. Well, I must nap even though I dont really want to. Mommy is trying to get the camera to work so she can post pictures of my chicken pox, by the way they look nothing like chickens....what's that about.....?

Love Jennifer.

Wordless Wednesday

Beware! Crime Alert

I must report this for you to be on the watch for. It is important you guard against this crime at all costs. The criminal is sneaky and underhanded and moves with the utmost quiet taking the one robbed from by utter surprise. It is important you are not tricked by the thief's disguise of a pretty face. I did however manage to capture the criminal on a survelliance camera. Here is what you need to watch for:

Yesterday, Jennifer got quiet......to quiet while I was busy. I went to find her. Apparently I had dropped a cheese puff. Hiding behind the rocker I found her, oblivious to the world.......munching away......took her a bit to notice me because she was so busy enjoying that cheese puff.......

Snaggle Tooth

Christopher lost a toot this week and I realized how much he is growing up. I think when they loose a top tooth it is sooooooo cute. He is so proud of his lost tooth. As for me I think he is adorable but I also think he is growing up way too fast. oh and can you tell our house is in chaos from the loaded table in the background......LOL. I hate packing it makes such a mess.......LOL.

Update on the stone....

The stone has yet to make its appearance. Mike has been suffering for 3 days, the 1st one he passed the day all this started. This one, is hanging around. It was on a cat scan last night about 2 to 3 ml which is considered small. However, I have decided maybe we should name the sucker. Mike has to(sorry tmi) pee in a strainer trying to catch the dumb thing. Now who would have ever thought you had to do that. Not only is he in pain he has to watch for the stone. Hence, I think we should name the stone once it is "born". LOL. He has to take it to be analyzed. Poor guy is in agony. He was breathing like he was going through labor. I told him that contrary to popular belief according to my own personal experience, breathing does NOT work. It has been a while since he took pain meds. Don't know what he is trying to prove but I went and got him a pill and said TAKE IT. Men are horrid when they are sick or in pain. We women go through labor, child birth and/or c sections with much more grace then men go through pain. I KNOW he is in REAL pain, I realize that, but it makes me understand that in reality women are the stronger ones. We endure pain and keep caring for our families. When I was in hard labor with Jennifer, I still fixed the children's lunch, changed Hannah's diaper, and helped them with regular things. Even did some laundry while dh puttered around oblivious.....LOL. I am not upset by it, I actually find it humorus that men and women are so much different. I admire my husband for putting up with the pain and so far he has only been cranky a little bit. I am proud of him for that. Usually he bites when he is hurting, well not literally but with words. So I wonder what should we name the stone, when it finally makes its arrival? Should we have an arrival party? LOL LOL LOL

Kidney Stones

Apparently they hurt worse than 28 hours of labor I had with Christopher. Poor dh had to be taken to ER tonight with kidney stones. He is there now. I had to leave and bring the children home to feed them. He was in agony. Funny thing is I had hard, painful labor and didn't act the way he is, so I guess they hurt worse. They were giving him pain medicine as I left. I called a little bit ago and he was feeling NOOOOOOOOO pain. LOL. I am headed back in a bit to pick him up. But the kids were getting antsy in the room.

I wish he didnt have to suffer with kidney stones but it is a side effect of not having a thyroid and having to take so much calcium due to not having a thyroid. You really do hate it when pain puts your husband on the floor! I will post an update later.

Wordless Wednesday

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

PHOTO MONTAGE

Dear Jennifer

(Her birthday letter)

Dear Jennifer:

My darling baby, you are precious and a wonder to behold. Can it really be that you are 1 year old. Seems like just yesterday I woke up in labor and tried to convince the doctor to let me come in and have the scheduled c section. You were "scheduled" to be born 2 days later. But, even then you had your own ideas and stuck to your own plans. You never did things by the "book", even in utero. You weren't supposed to be able to do sommersaults, flips and all those twists and turns inside mommy with her that far along. But......you didnt read the book. The night before mommy went into labor you did a HUGE sommersault in mommy's tummy. Unknown to us at that time you ended up getting your cord wrapped around your neck but good. (which is probably why you decided to kick start labor). Obviously you did not like it. I labored most of the day and finally in the afternoon around 4 or 5 pm, my water broke. Fear hit mommy like a ton of bricks cause the fluid was not clear. It meant that you were probably in distress. I called Daddy who was at the airport picking up your grandparents and then I called the doctor who said to come in. So I called a friend and she took me to the hospital. They hooked me up to a monitor and your heart rate was stable. Praise God. They took me in for my c section and I waited for your cry. They told me they would not let you cry right away because they wanted to make sure you didnt breathe in the fluid. So they suctioned you and then let you cry. The most wonderful sound in the world. I cried, daddy cried and you arrived safe and sound. For a few days you had a bit of trouble keeping your heart rate and breathing steady, but people prayed. You were about to be put in the NICU and we called everyone. The doctor came in and said, "she has not been doing well with her heart rate and breathing and we were going to do this and this, and SUDDENLY". Well, my dear do you know what and suddenly means......it means God performed a miracle and your breathing and heart rate suddenly stablized. We were thrilled. We brought you home and you filled our lives. You completed our family. Christopher and Hannah were thrilled with you and would watch you in amazement. This year has been filled with many things. We moved from L. to LP and you lived in two different places in your first year of life. You have done everything early and on your own schedule. You are easygoing and happy for the most part. You are very loving. You will walk up to mommy and lay your head on my leg and rub my leg with your hand, just loving and being close. You can say "I wu oo" (I love you). You have several words but you dont talk a lot like you used to. You are too busy walking, exploring and climbing. But when you need to you will use them. You are a joy. An utter joy. Your brother and sister adore you. Hannah gets a bit jealous sometimes but so do you. You will push them away if they are loving on mommy and we are having to teach you to share. You will eat anything that doesn't eat you first. Christopher is beyond picky, Hannah really only likes veggies and some meats, but YOU will eat anything! You love food. You are petite and sweet. People say you are smart and quick. The nursery worker at church adores you and thinks you are the smartest baby she has ever seen. I tend to agree, LOL. Jennifer you are our last little baby and it amazes me just how quick you are growing up. I treasure you because you are you and you have so many things that are yours alone. Each of you children are unique and special. Never forget my little Jenn Jenn, God made you special. He planned you to be in our lives and we are better because you graced us with your presence. Your big blue eyes hold wonder and innocence and beauty. Your laugh is like a melody. Your cry, well it is full of drama and will break anyone's heart in a million pieces and make them want to "fix" whatever happens to be the trouble. My darling daughter I am so greatful for you, your life, your sweetness, your joy and even your naughtiness. Cause you can be so full of mischief. I love you Jennifer Grace. You are precious.
Love Mommy

The announcement is being made Sunday

That we are leaving. I am going to tell my friend here, who happens to be the pastor's daughter today. So it is NOT a shock. We are telling everyone that God is moving us on, which is true. Pastor is not going into details just saying God has us here for 7 months and in His perfect plan it is time for us to move on. I will probably be crying a LOT on Sunday. First, the huge change and 2nd it is Jennifer's birthday and it is quite a lot going on.

We told Christopher that we are moving. He is devastated! CRIED CRIED CRIED, nearly broke my heart in two. But he is resilent. He looks so sad. Sigh......as hard as it is on us, it is hard to watch your child grieve. No way Hannah can understand, she will be excited we are moving near Nanny and Aunt Theresa. LOL.

My heart is heavy because of all the changes and the unexpected timing. But God is faithful and I know everything will be all right.

Honoring my husband

What I did today:

1. I was talking with him about something and did not agree, instead of getting mad or starting to explain "my view", I listened, heard him out and remained calm. I still did not agree but we were able to discuss it with complete respect and honor.

2. He has been asking me to make chocolate chip cookies and I let things with the children and house get in the way. I made the cookies despite how busy I was. It made him smile.

3. I gave him a card that said I was praying for him through all these trials we are facing.

4. I prayed for him specifically and only him.

5. I thanked him for helping me with some household chores and didnt complain that it wasn't finished.

I love my husband. He is a hard worker and a gread dad. He doesn't mind changing diapers are cleaning up a messy food covered baby.

What is Mommy Brain

My dear friend Jennifer gave me the idea for this blog topic. Things like not being able to find my keys when I need them most. They are never where I think they are and most probably are in the least likely place. Not that it has anything to do with small children putting them places because they are playing house. Oh and how about the phone, it rings and you can't quite locate where the sound is coming from over the din in the house, then your 3 year old is chanting "go mommy, go mommy, go mommy go" as you run around looking. Thanks my darling for the cheers. But at least you can laugh. Then you take all 3 kids out by yourself and you get
the "don't you have your hands full" comment.....LIKE duh what was your first clue, the frazzled look, the baby's lunch on my shirt, or the fact that I have forgotten HOW to carry on a conversation that does not include "are you sure you don't need to go potty"? Mommy brain does not make us dumb or less intelligent, it just means that we are multitasking beyond reason. After all, who else but a mom can change a diaper on a wriggline one year old, talk on the phone, help a 3 year old dress, and supervise a 6 year old who is reading out loud. ONLY a mom, so you see while it appears something has stolen mommy's brain it really is just running at full capacity and the computer is saying "you dont have enough available memory to do that". We just need an upgrade in random access memory. Gaining this upgrade is not probable because it would take 1 whole day of pampering, lots of chocolate, restful uninterrupted sleep and the piece de resistance, the ability to go to the potty alone without having someone ask what ya doing in there or sticking their fingers in the door or coming in on you. Yep, mommy brain is just a sign of higher intelligence on overload. So relax my dear mommy friends, your brain is not gone it is just on overload.

Honoring your Husband Challenge

I am choosing to participate in this 30 day challenge to find ways to honor my husband and show him I love him no matter what. In light of recent changes in our lives I am sure he needs reassurance that my love for him has not dimmed. He needs to know that no matter what, I will always love him. I think showing him respect as a man and finding ways to show him that I treasure him will help our lives, the transition we are making and our children. It does children good if they see their parents loving and respectful of one another.
My Goals for the next week:

1. greet him when he comes in the door instead of saying hi from the computer chair, the sink, the laundry room or whatever happens to have my attention.
2. Give him some undivided attention to either talk, snuggle, or just to listen to his ideas, hopes, plans, fears etc, instead of always talking about the children.
3. Make a "date" night HAPPEN at least once a week even if it only means putting the kids to bed and spending some quality time together.

I love my husband. I am not angry with him over what has happened in our lives and know it comes because of something that needs healing in his life. I want to support him while he heals and I want him to know I adore him. If you want to know more about this challenge follow this link:

http://fruitinseason.blogspot.com/2007/06/challenge-is-here.html

this should take you to the list of things to read and do during those 30 days:
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/topics/downloads/index.php?id=9471

Out of the mouth of Hannah..LOL

We are watching the fireworks on TV and the announcer said they were going to play the song from the Pirates of the Carribean while that set of fireworks went off.

My darling Hannah said Mommy mommy they are going to play:the parrots of the carrots and beans... I can't stop laughing........LOL

Wordless Wednesday

Ramblings from a mommy brain, freedom and faith

ahhhhhhhh the joys of motherhood. LOL. They can be so naughty one minute and so utterly precious the next. Yesterday we were having lunch with a friend before taking Jennifer to see the ENT specialist. My husband, I and Mrs Mary(our friend who is like a grandma to us) were discussing the topic of facing God in trials and tests and much more. I said something like well if we let it make us bitter then we hav lost. Christopher pipes up and says "It can make you bitter or it can make you better"..........WOW.......out of the mouths of babes I say. I guess he listens more than we think, the lessons we try to teach. Today the children and I walked to the store to say hello to Mike. Since he has started working at the Walgreen's just down the street we try and walk every day or every other day.

Christopher asked "Why do birds sing mommy". I told him that is there way of praising God. Hannah piped in and said as if I should know already "Mommy they are singing "you are my sunshine my only sunshine".........LOL LOL LOL. I laughed so hard. It was so cute. Christopher then gets really deep and wants to know why birds praise God. I said because He is their creator. He said, Why do we praise God? I told him because we love God and because God loved us and sent His Son to save us and that we were created to worhip God. That because we are created in God's own image we are special to God. More special than the birds. He REALLY understood. I can hardly contain it that my son and I had such a deep theological discussion. We went on to talk about how birds don't have souls like people but that God loves them and that our soul God created in us shows just how special we are to God. My children amaze me daily cause then Hannah sings "Jesus loves me DIS I KNOW" as loud as she could. Jennifer just took it all in looking at everything and hanging out in the front of the stroller. She just likes to get outside. I am blessed to have such darling children who are so very open to the things of God. It humbles me that God entrusted me with them. At times it gets overwhelming cause I see my faults and failures and wonder how God can use me. Then God shows me that we never really understand how God can use us. The simplest thing can be used by God and us not even know it. All we have to do is be open to God. All we have to do is humble ourselves and pray and be willing open vessels. God is good all the time. Something happened in my heart and soul this week I can't even explain. God has done a new thing. The circumstances around how do not matter, what matters is the result. I have a joy unspeakable greater than ever before. My hunger and thirst for God grew by bounds almost overnight. It isn't like I didn't have that before but it is greater now. My struggles with post partum depression which were better are now COMPLETELY and utterly GONE! I feel new again and I know His promises are new every morning. Oh I knew that before but what God did in my during my prayer time last night is beyond description. I can not put into words what God has done because I dont have the words. God is faithful and just and promises to complete every good work He starts in us. God is beyond amazing.
So here I sit on July 4th thanking God for freedom in America but also a different kind of freedom. Freedom from pain, freedom from sin, freedom from despair, freedom from exhaustion. Because for the first time in I do not know how long, I woke up this morning rested, not tired and ready to greet the day. I didn't have overwhelming utter exhaustion that was amost debilitating. That amazes me. God is an awesome God.
Monday Jennifer has surgery to remove her adenoids and I have NO absolute NO worry. None......I have no fear and know all will be well because she is in the hands of a loving God who adores her and will protect her.
so today is a day for joy, a day for celebrating freedom. We may go through things on this earth we can not understand but God is able. We walk by faith not by sight........Hallelujah!

Healing, understanding, despair turns to hope

What a difference a couple of days make. As we begin this next journey in our lives, it is amazing what God can do. When my husband told me the events that took place in the pastor's office with the board he was not deceptive and he did not lie. However, he did color things with the only crayons he had. It is like he painted the picture of what happened with only 3 or 4 crayons. He did not use the whole box because he didn't yet have the whole box of crayons. Yesterday evening after we came home from Jennifer's ENT appointment something wonderful happened in the midst of the chaos we saw the glimpse of the rainbow through the dark clouds. My friend Heather called not knowing what has taken place the last few days because no one has been told yet. She asked me to take the pump of our nebulizer over to her mom's house because her dd needed a treatment. Her mom is the pastor's wife. So I said sure and went over. At that time the Pastor and his wife asked if they could talk with me a few minutes. That talk was fruitful and filled with love, compassion and healing began. The pastor let me know that there was nothing I had done to bring this about. That they the board and the church members saw my love for God, the church and my family in everything I do. That I was appreciated and seen to be a hard loving worker in the church. They said they love Mike and only want what is best for his ministry. They said he has done some good things here and that he has potential and the ability to do wonderful things for God. They KNOW he is called to ministry but at that time where he is at can not work for this church. That they want to see God do great and mighty things in our lives. However there are issues that can not be dealt with unless Mike gets past them. 1st and formost the way he talks to me and the children, in public when he gets frustrated. His tone sounds means and abusive, although he does not intend for it to sound like that. When he gets frustrated he speaks with anger and disrespect to his family. This was seen by the pastor, the church board and church members. The pastor said that as a grown man who has been a Christian for so long SHOULD NOT have to be told to treat his family with love and respect at all times. I was blown away because my husband and I have had this converstation many, many times. The pastor spoke these words with great love and compassion for Mike and our family. He said as a senior pastor he can not condone or allow this to happen because people can view it as him condoning the behavior. That Mike has a great responsibility to be an example to the congregants and that if it were only once or twice he did it that would be one thing, but he is seen doing this a lot. 2ndly, pastor will give my husband instructions or talk with him about things and Mike nods his head yes sir in agreement etc, but then goes and does things his own way. He doesn't truly listen and he doesn't follow advice given. This too, I find true. Take for example the kids crusade I adviced my dh NOT to do it because he didnt have the time to devote to it. Mike did it anyway and it was NOT a good success. It wasn't a failure but it wasn't a success. Because he wasn't prepared he was stressed and again the disrespect of his family came out at that time. 3rd, young adults in the church can not connect with him because in conversations or teaching in Sunday School always comes back to Mike. He turns it back to himself. He has done this for years! I have talked to him about it and informed him he can't talk about himself all the time or brag about accomplishments. He did not listen and it came back and bit him. This issue makes him unable to lead because people feel like he does not listen. Finally, people see him as negative. Always complaining about his job, the kids acting up, having to help at home and much more. They even had church members ask if he is okay because he "seemed depressed" when basically all it comes down to is a negative outlook. I was blown away, seeing that what they were talking about, is not only serious but TRUE, oh so true. These are things all of them I have discussed with my husband and tried to tell him that he needed to watch. I now understand WHY Pastor had to do what he did. I am in agreement and although it still hurts I know this is by God's design. I now KNOW what God brought us here. He brought us here for my husband's healing from anger and fear of authority. After I came home last night I talked to my husband. At first, he was mad, then despondent and feeling like an utter failure as a man, father, husband, Christian, pastor etc. As we talked he began to see what was true. He went to our room to pray. When he came back out we put the kids to bed and talked. We talked in a way we have not talked in years. God revealed that Mike fears authority and anger stems in hem because of a very emotionally abusive teacher he had in 5th grade. This teacher berated him a lot and in front of his peers almost daily. Anger and fear of authority began to grow and he has long fought this problem. God showed us that that wounded little boy left a scar on his heart and until he gets healing and control over it, it will effect his ministry. Something happened in the heavenlies as we spoke and talked and shared our hearts. Something wonderful happened. God began a work that has long been needed. We ended praying together and that prayer time was freeing and healing. Bonds of pain and resentment were broken. Afterwards even my husband's face LOOKS different. This morning there is a peace in this house, and underlying joy and something I cant even describe.
We still don't know where we are going, but I know God is in control. We walk by faith, not by sight and I know God brought us here for this purpose and that the work He began in this house last night will be completed. Mike has to break some bad habits and let his healing be complete. We have to work together through this. Last night is the first time I have ever spoken to my husband and been that open about the things that he has been doing. I was gentle, compassionate and loving but very plain. God allowed me to be the helpmate I want to be. Like I said, something wonderful happened. When God does put us in another church, we will be ready. When God moves He does it right. My husband has a peace I have never seen on him before. I have hope beyond words. It amazes me what influence people have on us as children and how that can effect is for life. I explained to Mike that he can keep this from happening in his kids if he doesnt speak to them like he does some times. That made a point and it all began from there. God is faithful and why I dont have all the answers about what is going to happen next, I know God will help us. God is truly faithful.

devastation

A million shattered pieces rain upon the floor

and it seems as if tears will fall forever more.

The sound of sorrow is like the winds of a hurricane

as our lives are torn asunder.

We did our best, we thought we were doing a good job

yet others apparently did not see it that way.

Now we seek a place to lay our heads

a place to fulfill God's plan.

Where will we go

What will we do

I know my Lord has not forsaken me

but man has failed us.

Man has shot and wounded us

and we are left to wonder why.

The darkness of despair beats against the windows

but the hope of peace is trying to keep it at bay.

Could we have not been taught what was needed

instead of having the proverbial rug yanked from under our very feet.

Where will my darling children lay their heads in two months.

Will I have to leave my darling children and go back to work

Will this forever marr our chances at ministry.

My darling husband did nothing wrong.

He did the best he knew how to do.

He stumbled along trying to learn

yet not meeting expectations he did not know where there.

We tried, we worked we prayed

yet now we must leave.

I do not understand. My husband does not understand

our children do not know the change that is about to overtake our lives.

Why God, why, we tried out best, we thought we were doing right

we know we were here by your design

God help me weather this storm for surely the waves are high

and the thunder crashes loud.

God help us.



for all wondering, without going into detail we are having to move. My husband did not do something wrong but someone's expectations were not met and he was asked to resign. I only hope and pray no one from the church can read this post. I dont think I have a link on myspace. To say I am devastated and my dear husband is devastated is to put it lightly. I cant put into words my pain. WE WERE SHOCKED! Utterly.