Could it really be that he is 8 years old? Wasn't it just yesterday I held him in my arms for the first time? 8 years ago today at 6:32 am Eastern time, he came into the world crying and peeing on the nurse(which he did twice). I was out cold under general anesthesia due to failure to progress, pre-eclampsia and a failed eipdural. Much about that day I do NOT remember, I was so drugged on magnesium sulfate for the preeclampsia. Unknown to me, they held my newborn son to my cheek and let him "kiss me" right after he was born so he could "smell mommy". Hours later, we rolled by the nursery, me on a stretcher and basically to drugged to know I was in the world. BUT, they laid my first born son on my chest. I looked into those huge, dark, alert and vibrant eyes and felt a powerful jolt, a surge of electricity as a mother's love was unleashed on her first born. Surely, the heavens stood still for it felt as if all time had stopped and it was just him and I. In those few moments, my life was changed forever. It was one of the most single defining moments of my life, the day I became a mother. Everything, I had always wanted to be, everything I'd always dreamed of came true that day. I had a loving husband and a child. I did not understand before that day; how truly incredible heart stopping and earth shattering love is. I wanted to live, sleep, eat and breathe motherhood. Of course, I was soon to find out......that is just what you do, even at 3 am when you haven't slept in weeks, you can't take off motherhood. It is who you are. But in those first hours......the magic of new life overwhelmed me. That my Lord and my God would bless me with such a gift and entrust me to take care of him; that was not only humbling but scary. How could I, someone who makes so many mistakes actualy raise this totally dependent awesome creation to be who God wants Him to be. Then God spoke in the quiteness of the early dawn the next day as I held my newborn son to my chest to feed him: I am with you, fear not for I am with you I am your God and I will uphold you and through me all things are possible. Do not be afraid for in your weakness I am strong and I will help you and teach you. Trust me.

God in all his infinit wisdom gave me a child who would face many challenges. Allergies so severe they could take his life, asthma so severe we almost lost him on several occasions and sensory issues that threatned his very development. Through it all God has been there. When he was 16 months old and lay dying in my arms; God whispered to my aching, breaking mommy heart......"GIVE HIM TO ME, give ME control". Tears running down my face, voice shaking with emotion, I said "Yes, Lord, I will." I leaned over to my dying child and whispered in his little ear. "Christopher, I love you. Daddy loves you. YOU mean the world to us. But if Jesus calls you home, go to Him. You will be okay and we will be okay". And at that moment I surrendered my child to my Lord. From that moment on my child slowly but surely began to get better. Why God chose for it to take place that way I do not understand. Why some mother's do have to release their children to the arms of the Father only to be seen again on the other side of glory, I do not know. But I do know my heart changed again that day. And although I still struggle from time to time with complete trust in my Lord..........I KNOW that I KNOW my Lord has my children in the palm of His hand. Christopher through his many illnesses has learend a deep faith in God. At 3 he told me "Mommy, Jesus and Mercy(his imaginary friend who we believe is his guardian angel) sit by my bed and tell me not to be afraid". Once when he was 5 and in intensive care he said Jesus came to see him while he was there. My child.......he humbles me, awes me. I have seen my child crying out, all on his own, with no prompting to hear from Lord. Trying to reach heaven with his outstretched hands raised to the heavens. My little boy cried out to know more of God. Yes, he is a normal child who makes mistakes and can be fresh and naughty BUT the faith he has is beyond explanation. I am humbled by my son. I am blessed to be his mother. Happy Birthday my son. You were our first child and each of you children have gifts God has graced you with that make you all so special, so amazing beyond words. You are a miracle my son. A miracle from God and I praise the Lord for who you are and all you are going to become......because my dear and precious son, God has great and mighty plans for you. Run toward the calling He has called you to. Do not look back but press on towards the calling Jesus has placed in you.
Love Mommy

Healing, understanding, despair turns to hope

What a difference a couple of days make. As we begin this next journey in our lives, it is amazing what God can do. When my husband told me the events that took place in the pastor's office with the board he was not deceptive and he did not lie. However, he did color things with the only crayons he had. It is like he painted the picture of what happened with only 3 or 4 crayons. He did not use the whole box because he didn't yet have the whole box of crayons. Yesterday evening after we came home from Jennifer's ENT appointment something wonderful happened in the midst of the chaos we saw the glimpse of the rainbow through the dark clouds. My friend Heather called not knowing what has taken place the last few days because no one has been told yet. She asked me to take the pump of our nebulizer over to her mom's house because her dd needed a treatment. Her mom is the pastor's wife. So I said sure and went over. At that time the Pastor and his wife asked if they could talk with me a few minutes. That talk was fruitful and filled with love, compassion and healing began. The pastor let me know that there was nothing I had done to bring this about. That they the board and the church members saw my love for God, the church and my family in everything I do. That I was appreciated and seen to be a hard loving worker in the church. They said they love Mike and only want what is best for his ministry. They said he has done some good things here and that he has potential and the ability to do wonderful things for God. They KNOW he is called to ministry but at that time where he is at can not work for this church. That they want to see God do great and mighty things in our lives. However there are issues that can not be dealt with unless Mike gets past them. 1st and formost the way he talks to me and the children, in public when he gets frustrated. His tone sounds means and abusive, although he does not intend for it to sound like that. When he gets frustrated he speaks with anger and disrespect to his family. This was seen by the pastor, the church board and church members. The pastor said that as a grown man who has been a Christian for so long SHOULD NOT have to be told to treat his family with love and respect at all times. I was blown away because my husband and I have had this converstation many, many times. The pastor spoke these words with great love and compassion for Mike and our family. He said as a senior pastor he can not condone or allow this to happen because people can view it as him condoning the behavior. That Mike has a great responsibility to be an example to the congregants and that if it were only once or twice he did it that would be one thing, but he is seen doing this a lot. 2ndly, pastor will give my husband instructions or talk with him about things and Mike nods his head yes sir in agreement etc, but then goes and does things his own way. He doesn't truly listen and he doesn't follow advice given. This too, I find true. Take for example the kids crusade I adviced my dh NOT to do it because he didnt have the time to devote to it. Mike did it anyway and it was NOT a good success. It wasn't a failure but it wasn't a success. Because he wasn't prepared he was stressed and again the disrespect of his family came out at that time. 3rd, young adults in the church can not connect with him because in conversations or teaching in Sunday School always comes back to Mike. He turns it back to himself. He has done this for years! I have talked to him about it and informed him he can't talk about himself all the time or brag about accomplishments. He did not listen and it came back and bit him. This issue makes him unable to lead because people feel like he does not listen. Finally, people see him as negative. Always complaining about his job, the kids acting up, having to help at home and much more. They even had church members ask if he is okay because he "seemed depressed" when basically all it comes down to is a negative outlook. I was blown away, seeing that what they were talking about, is not only serious but TRUE, oh so true. These are things all of them I have discussed with my husband and tried to tell him that he needed to watch. I now understand WHY Pastor had to do what he did. I am in agreement and although it still hurts I know this is by God's design. I now KNOW what God brought us here. He brought us here for my husband's healing from anger and fear of authority. After I came home last night I talked to my husband. At first, he was mad, then despondent and feeling like an utter failure as a man, father, husband, Christian, pastor etc. As we talked he began to see what was true. He went to our room to pray. When he came back out we put the kids to bed and talked. We talked in a way we have not talked in years. God revealed that Mike fears authority and anger stems in hem because of a very emotionally abusive teacher he had in 5th grade. This teacher berated him a lot and in front of his peers almost daily. Anger and fear of authority began to grow and he has long fought this problem. God showed us that that wounded little boy left a scar on his heart and until he gets healing and control over it, it will effect his ministry. Something happened in the heavenlies as we spoke and talked and shared our hearts. Something wonderful happened. God began a work that has long been needed. We ended praying together and that prayer time was freeing and healing. Bonds of pain and resentment were broken. Afterwards even my husband's face LOOKS different. This morning there is a peace in this house, and underlying joy and something I cant even describe.
We still don't know where we are going, but I know God is in control. We walk by faith, not by sight and I know God brought us here for this purpose and that the work He began in this house last night will be completed. Mike has to break some bad habits and let his healing be complete. We have to work together through this. Last night is the first time I have ever spoken to my husband and been that open about the things that he has been doing. I was gentle, compassionate and loving but very plain. God allowed me to be the helpmate I want to be. Like I said, something wonderful happened. When God does put us in another church, we will be ready. When God moves He does it right. My husband has a peace I have never seen on him before. I have hope beyond words. It amazes me what influence people have on us as children and how that can effect is for life. I explained to Mike that he can keep this from happening in his kids if he doesnt speak to them like he does some times. That made a point and it all began from there. God is faithful and why I dont have all the answers about what is going to happen next, I know God will help us. God is truly faithful.