And it has hit full force

Christopher ended up in ER on Sunday night. Respiratory distress, high fever, etc. They treated him with an hour long epinephrine breathing treatment. Did a chest xray. They released him on antibiotics, tami flu and he is also on breathing treatments and oral steroids. He has the flu, asthma flare and pnuemonia. He has lost THREE POUNDS! He is now down to 36 lbs! My poor baby.

Now Jennifer has spiked a fever and is coughing. Life as I know it revolves around meds, breathing treatments, and worrying about the kids. Hannah is at school and so far no signs of illness.

I am tired.

And the asthma/flu/whatever it is has struck

Christopher is quite ill but not in need of an ER visit as of yet. He is struggling but stable at the moment. I myself am fighting fear. Fear that H1N1 has struck and that because of his asthma he is going to end up really sick. I fight that fear. His lungs sound horrible. I refuse to give into fear and the whispers of the enemy. God is bigger than fear. He is bigger than the flu. He is bigger than asthma. My God is able!

Christopher has always been a trooper when he is sick. Never complains. What makes me the most edgy is my son is begging us to help him feel better. Crying that he feels so bad. He has NEVER reacted this way to illness. He is such a strong little boy. Seeing him like this hurts. It is a physical hurt of the heart and Mommy can't fix it. I think that is what hurts the most when our kids are sick. Not being able to kiss it away.

Lack of compassion astounds me

I came across a blog about a baby born with anacephaly. I was shocked by the sheer lack of compassion and human kindness in some of the comments. Some said the baby wasn't human and didn't deserve to live. Yet in some of the pictures and videos posted you could clearly see that baby interacting with her Mommy. The baby could breathe and function without a ventilator. Yes she had a feeding tube, but she ate, she enjoyed her milk and she thrived. She blessed her family. She made noises and let them know by the smacking of her lips and soft crying when she was hungry. She COMMUNICATED. Hello it does not matter how much or how little brain that baby had. She WAS a HUMAN being. She had feelings, she had life, she communicated, in our way...no but in her own way. SHE MATTERED. Why is it people want to define which life is valuable and which life is not? ALL life is valuable. She was created for a purpose. She was fearfully and wonderfully made. Her family loved her and in her own little way she gave love. She responded to her mother's touch....and formed a bond. That is love.

I wonder where the love in the world has gone. I read on a mommy forum about people who have to have state assistance or they are struggling in this economy and people jump on them and call them names and belittle them. Or someone made some poor decisions and people jump on them and call them the worst of the worst. Or someone asks a question about parenting or a medical question and people call them stupid or tell them that there way is wrong. Spankers say non spankers are wrong and vice versa. Not many seem to find compassion in themselves to respect the differences in our world and give each other support. WHY? WHERE is the compassion? Why can't people see that we are all one paycheck away from poverty? People judge people if they put up a fake tree for crying out loud. I mean come on, seriously. Does it make someone better if they use a live tree? Many people are allergic or can't afford a live tree just to throw it away. Some have build a tradition around their "fake" tree. I was like, oh my word I can't believe someone just berated someone for having a fake tree. There is a lot more in this world to get worried about. Let's teach our children compassion. Let's support one another in love instead of berating people because they are different, believe different, live differently. It is fine to preach Jesus if you LIVE JESUS while you are preaching Jesus. If you berate people and their lives and give them no compassion then you are dishonoring Jesus. It just astounds me. I pray for those people because obviously they have lacked some love somewhere or something. They need prayer, but it is hard for me to see these people be so mean to others. Why are people so mean? I can not comprehend it.

Thanksgiving blessings

Seems as if life has gotten in the way of blogging, LOL. Since I last blogged my middle daughter turned 6 and we had thanksgiving and life has kept me on the go.

Our family went to my Dad's and Step Mom's or as a friend says "a bonus mom" for Thanksgiving. It was such a wonderful holiday. Watching my Dad so different with my kids than he was with my siblings and I was touching. I am glad he has mellowed and is not the same man I grew up with. I am glad to see his gentleness and his sweetness with the children. Am I jealous? Not in the least. I am so glad my children can have a grandfather who is gentle and kind. We all change. We all make mistakes. He has and he did. Forgiveness colors the world with a new crayon. I can see things I never saw before. I can see him as a man who albeit it flawed, loved and still loves me. He loves my husband and our children. Does he have flaws, yep, and so do I. I can choose to walk and live in forgiveness. If I do not choose this road, my children would never know their grandfather. I watched as my littlest ran to my father and said "You is my "heyro". I watched my father stoop down and pick her up and treasure the moment. I watched my father walk hand in hand with my children and enjoy the slow pace he must take now. At almost 74 his gait is remarkably slower. The perfect pace for children who like to notice the pine straw and dandelions blowing in the cool November wind.

My God has orchestrated my life. Now I can sit back and watch my children bond with an older generation. I can see them learn compassion by slowing down to Grandpa's pace. I can see them as they learn our elders should be respected when they without prompting "yes sir" or "no sir" in respect.

I am hopefully back in blog land for a while. I will try, not promise, but try to blog some at least once a week, hopefully more. I have missed blog land.

I have missed putting down some of the cute things my children have done and now I can't remember...LOL. Proof that I too one day, sooner maybe than I want, be a part of the older generation..LOL.

Dear Children

Really, please tell Mommy if you spill something and let me clean it up. Your attempts of clean up are admirable but not the greatest in quality. When Mommy walks into the kitchen and finds the sticky spots you left behind, it is not so pleasant. Having one's foot stick to the kitchen floor at 5:30 am is not the way I wish to be awakened.

You are all sweet and precious. I promise you do not have to outdo your sibling in the cute area. You each have your own unique abilities and gifts. What you add to our family is wonderful in your own right. You do not have to copy each other to be cute. Be yourself.

Thanks for bringing such joy to my life. Having you 3 is perhaps one of my greatest gifts. You are symbols of Mommy and Daddy's love and the blessed assurance that God trusts us. Now, sometimes I think perhaps, HE overrated me, but He has more trust in me than I have myself.

One day you will be grown. I pray that I am sewing seeds of kindness and love in you that will effect others. I love you.

Love Mommy

My time is over...

or may be over....that is my time as a stay at home mom may be coming to an end. There is much change afoot in our household. Changes that promise to be good but changes all the same. I knew I would eventually have to go back to work in order to pay student loans. However, this may come sooner than anticipated due to possible changes, good changes with hubby's employment. I have mixed feelings. Jennifer will benefit from Pre-K and craves school like a duck craves water. There is a possibility I could work in a Pre-K, get discounted childcare and be able to work with children. However, I wish I could afford to be a sahm well into the children's teens. We are not doing this, if it happens JUST to have more money, but to be responsible and good stewards of what God has given us. I hope, if I have to work to only work mainly during my children's school hours. Time will tell. For now, I must pray, that I am ready and willing to do what God is calling me to do........"For Such a Time As This".

I feel this is pivotal in our lives. My attitude must be one of trust and not despair. I must realize that God may be orchestrating events for a greater purpose than I can even imagine. He has promised to never forsake me. He has promised to bring about HIS perfect will in my life. His WILL may be different than what I THINK. So I lay myself before my God and say.......Lord I surrender. I surrender my hopes, my dreams, my will. THY WILL be done. If this is what you want....lead me into it with assurance and peace we are on the right path. Let us know quickly, what the next step is.

I have been attending a study on Esther. Esther had a decision to make, to choose what God wanted or choose what she wanted. She could approach the King and face possible death or choose not to and face annihilation. Her choice had great ramifications than mine does. However, I have a choice to make. I need to make the choice God wants. And for all I know God wants me to go back to work in this setting "For Such a Time as This". I do not know. BUT....I TRUST my LORD! I will pray.......I will seek God and I will take each step with great forethought and much prayer.

Technology Fast...aka trying to kick the Facebook habit

Ahhhh yes, I have discovered Facebook is fun and wonderful but it can be a trap. I am trying to kick my dependence on technology. Facebook, television, and the like tend to not only be a time stealer but a mind trap. There has to be a balance. However, in order to find the balance I must let the pendulum swing to the opposite side for a bit so I can kick my habit. So....I have decided to attempt to lay off facebook and tv for a bit. It is proving much harder than I anticipated. Today was day 1. I have not been that successful today but I am trying.

When and how did I become so dependent. I am not sure. It kind of crept up on me. But I do not want the only thing my children remember about their childhood is Mommy at the computer interacting WITH them BUT at the same time multi tasking with the computer. NOT good! I am a flawed person. We are all flawed. Facebook, myspace, technology offers an escape into a different world. A world where when you post a status report about being frustrated, you get an answer of support or sympathy or encouragement. It has become far too......addictive....not exactly the word......alluring......not the word either......but it is a trap for me. As I battle this, I realize my dependence on facebook entertainment, has taken away a lot. I no longer read like I used to. I don't play with the kids like I used to. I don't study the word of God or pray like I used to. I must break this. I must defeat this in my life to become a Proverbs 31 Mom.

It all started innocently enough, like most things that can take control of your life. But I AM the one who has to break it. NO ONE else can. Do I have to give it up entirely. No, not forever, but I do need to break the connection. However, if limiting myself doesn't work. I WILL break all ties with FB until I defeat this.

Take a peek into my day:

I get up and get the kids breakfast, lay out their clothes and then sit my rear in my desk chair and log in.

I monitor the dressing and tooth brushing from the chair. I encourage them, tell them they are doing a good job etc, but at at the same time.....I am telling "Sister Sue" who has posted she is struggling with doubt that I care and to hang in there". My child says Love you mommy, I say I love you baby and hug her and kiss her and head back for the chair.

The kids leave for school with lots of hugs and kisses.........BUT was I really THERE? WAS I PRESENT for THEM? Oh my Dear Lord ABOVE NO! I was distracted with the problems and concerns of others instead of focusing on my children. Did they get love and attention, yes, but they did NOT get ALL of me. Only a distracted, albeit loving Mommy, one whose attention was divided. WHEN....when did others people's problems become more important than giving my full attention to my children. I am ASHAMED. I am repentant and I am grieving because I never knew I could become this way. What will my children remember? Dear Lord please let them remember love...not mommy sitting at the computer between household tasks and homework. Let them remember a Mommy that takes them outside to look at the changing leaves.

Now my prayer:

Dear Lord Jesus

I am sorry for failing in the call you put on my life to be a wife and mother. The call you placed on me to mold these little souls to you. I love them. I love you. But I have been escaping from stress into a world that is only somewhat real. Yes the people are real, but so are my children. I can't let this go on. I give you my life Lord. I ask for forgiveness, for letting stuff just stuff come in between not only me and you but me and my family. Break me Lord, mold me. Help me Jesus to be all that you have called me to be. I give you my life Lord. I give you my heart, my mind, my body and my soul. I give you my family. I give you ME. I can not do this alone. I am baring my soul here and it hurts. I am sorry. I want to do better. Help me walk the way you have called me to walk.

Amen

Over the next week I am going to try to break my habits. I will be on Facebook on occasion and I will blog about this journey. Because quite frankly, I do not think I am the only one that struggles with this. I do not think I am the only Mom that finds comfort in facebook, blogs and the like. Motherhood is hard. Finding people online through facebook, blogs, mommy message boards is an escape from the stress. However, I need to go to the ONE, the only ONE who is to be my ONLY source.

While my children are far from neglected and ignored; they are getting only part of me. I must give them more of Mommy. I must let them have my undivided attention. So while my sweet 3 year old slumbers during her nap, I am going to my knees. I am praying God will give this flawed, imperfect mommy strength to live .....One day at a time.

So my blogging friends...take the journey with me. Help me and find in yourself those things that control your attention......we all have them....if we admit it. God bless you. More on Day 2..tomorrow.