Dear Children

Really, please tell Mommy if you spill something and let me clean it up. Your attempts of clean up are admirable but not the greatest in quality. When Mommy walks into the kitchen and finds the sticky spots you left behind, it is not so pleasant. Having one's foot stick to the kitchen floor at 5:30 am is not the way I wish to be awakened.

You are all sweet and precious. I promise you do not have to outdo your sibling in the cute area. You each have your own unique abilities and gifts. What you add to our family is wonderful in your own right. You do not have to copy each other to be cute. Be yourself.

Thanks for bringing such joy to my life. Having you 3 is perhaps one of my greatest gifts. You are symbols of Mommy and Daddy's love and the blessed assurance that God trusts us. Now, sometimes I think perhaps, HE overrated me, but He has more trust in me than I have myself.

One day you will be grown. I pray that I am sewing seeds of kindness and love in you that will effect others. I love you.

Love Mommy

My time is over...

or may be over....that is my time as a stay at home mom may be coming to an end. There is much change afoot in our household. Changes that promise to be good but changes all the same. I knew I would eventually have to go back to work in order to pay student loans. However, this may come sooner than anticipated due to possible changes, good changes with hubby's employment. I have mixed feelings. Jennifer will benefit from Pre-K and craves school like a duck craves water. There is a possibility I could work in a Pre-K, get discounted childcare and be able to work with children. However, I wish I could afford to be a sahm well into the children's teens. We are not doing this, if it happens JUST to have more money, but to be responsible and good stewards of what God has given us. I hope, if I have to work to only work mainly during my children's school hours. Time will tell. For now, I must pray, that I am ready and willing to do what God is calling me to do........"For Such a Time As This".

I feel this is pivotal in our lives. My attitude must be one of trust and not despair. I must realize that God may be orchestrating events for a greater purpose than I can even imagine. He has promised to never forsake me. He has promised to bring about HIS perfect will in my life. His WILL may be different than what I THINK. So I lay myself before my God and say.......Lord I surrender. I surrender my hopes, my dreams, my will. THY WILL be done. If this is what you want....lead me into it with assurance and peace we are on the right path. Let us know quickly, what the next step is.

I have been attending a study on Esther. Esther had a decision to make, to choose what God wanted or choose what she wanted. She could approach the King and face possible death or choose not to and face annihilation. Her choice had great ramifications than mine does. However, I have a choice to make. I need to make the choice God wants. And for all I know God wants me to go back to work in this setting "For Such a Time as This". I do not know. BUT....I TRUST my LORD! I will pray.......I will seek God and I will take each step with great forethought and much prayer.

Technology Fast...aka trying to kick the Facebook habit

Ahhhh yes, I have discovered Facebook is fun and wonderful but it can be a trap. I am trying to kick my dependence on technology. Facebook, television, and the like tend to not only be a time stealer but a mind trap. There has to be a balance. However, in order to find the balance I must let the pendulum swing to the opposite side for a bit so I can kick my habit. So....I have decided to attempt to lay off facebook and tv for a bit. It is proving much harder than I anticipated. Today was day 1. I have not been that successful today but I am trying.

When and how did I become so dependent. I am not sure. It kind of crept up on me. But I do not want the only thing my children remember about their childhood is Mommy at the computer interacting WITH them BUT at the same time multi tasking with the computer. NOT good! I am a flawed person. We are all flawed. Facebook, myspace, technology offers an escape into a different world. A world where when you post a status report about being frustrated, you get an answer of support or sympathy or encouragement. It has become far too......addictive....not exactly the word......alluring......not the word either......but it is a trap for me. As I battle this, I realize my dependence on facebook entertainment, has taken away a lot. I no longer read like I used to. I don't play with the kids like I used to. I don't study the word of God or pray like I used to. I must break this. I must defeat this in my life to become a Proverbs 31 Mom.

It all started innocently enough, like most things that can take control of your life. But I AM the one who has to break it. NO ONE else can. Do I have to give it up entirely. No, not forever, but I do need to break the connection. However, if limiting myself doesn't work. I WILL break all ties with FB until I defeat this.

Take a peek into my day:

I get up and get the kids breakfast, lay out their clothes and then sit my rear in my desk chair and log in.

I monitor the dressing and tooth brushing from the chair. I encourage them, tell them they are doing a good job etc, but at at the same time.....I am telling "Sister Sue" who has posted she is struggling with doubt that I care and to hang in there". My child says Love you mommy, I say I love you baby and hug her and kiss her and head back for the chair.

The kids leave for school with lots of hugs and kisses.........BUT was I really THERE? WAS I PRESENT for THEM? Oh my Dear Lord ABOVE NO! I was distracted with the problems and concerns of others instead of focusing on my children. Did they get love and attention, yes, but they did NOT get ALL of me. Only a distracted, albeit loving Mommy, one whose attention was divided. WHEN....when did others people's problems become more important than giving my full attention to my children. I am ASHAMED. I am repentant and I am grieving because I never knew I could become this way. What will my children remember? Dear Lord please let them remember love...not mommy sitting at the computer between household tasks and homework. Let them remember a Mommy that takes them outside to look at the changing leaves.

Now my prayer:

Dear Lord Jesus

I am sorry for failing in the call you put on my life to be a wife and mother. The call you placed on me to mold these little souls to you. I love them. I love you. But I have been escaping from stress into a world that is only somewhat real. Yes the people are real, but so are my children. I can't let this go on. I give you my life Lord. I ask for forgiveness, for letting stuff just stuff come in between not only me and you but me and my family. Break me Lord, mold me. Help me Jesus to be all that you have called me to be. I give you my life Lord. I give you my heart, my mind, my body and my soul. I give you my family. I give you ME. I can not do this alone. I am baring my soul here and it hurts. I am sorry. I want to do better. Help me walk the way you have called me to walk.

Amen

Over the next week I am going to try to break my habits. I will be on Facebook on occasion and I will blog about this journey. Because quite frankly, I do not think I am the only one that struggles with this. I do not think I am the only Mom that finds comfort in facebook, blogs and the like. Motherhood is hard. Finding people online through facebook, blogs, mommy message boards is an escape from the stress. However, I need to go to the ONE, the only ONE who is to be my ONLY source.

While my children are far from neglected and ignored; they are getting only part of me. I must give them more of Mommy. I must let them have my undivided attention. So while my sweet 3 year old slumbers during her nap, I am going to my knees. I am praying God will give this flawed, imperfect mommy strength to live .....One day at a time.

So my blogging friends...take the journey with me. Help me and find in yourself those things that control your attention......we all have them....if we admit it. God bless you. More on Day 2..tomorrow.

Parenting

I belong to a message board created by moms for moms. It shocks me to no end the way these women tear each other apart over the simplest things. If one mom believes in spanking she is horrid. If she doesn't she is horrid. Every thing you do or say is called into question. God forbid if you believe in Jesus and say so. I have thus far been able to be a witness and keep objective and not play into the drama. Yet the way some people seemingly parent their children is shocking as well. If I teach my child faith and about the Lord then some criticize but they think they should be able to curse, drink, smoke marijuana etc in front of their children. It astounds me some of the views of parenting out there. If it feels good do it. Don't ever tell a child no. If your child is crying in a store remove them immediately and don't correct them and try to teach them to behave in a store. If you do remove them, some think you are horrid.

Parenting is hard work. You would think these women could support one another in this journey called motherhood. I answer some posts, but really, seriously I don't have a lot to add. The only reason I stay is because some have pm'd me and said that I am a positive voice. Not patting my own back, but sometimes it is hard not to react to some of their audacity. I try to say whatever I reply to, in a loving, kind manner. But really why can't we have compassion for each other in this journey called motherhood.

Our kids learn from us. If we are doing some of the things these women say they do, what are their kids learning? There are some really nice people there as well. It is astounding to watch though.

I pray I can be a positive voice in a crazy world whether it is an online message board or a real life community.

Dear Christopher

I am posting your birthday letter a day late. That's what happens when you are a grown up and one of your children is sick. Things you want to do get left undone while you focus on the sick one. You have had your share of illness over your 9 years, way more than your share. Yet, I can thankfully say it has now been over a year since you were last hospitalized desperately ill with asthma. You are growing, albeit slowly and have finally outgrown your size 4 jeans. Woo HOO! I have heard people complain about their children outgrowing clothing; I understand; but for me it brings me joy when you outgrow something.

Hopefully, this next year will bring great changes when insurance approves growth hormone for you. It will increase your appetite and strengthen your bones. The benefits far outweigh the side effect possibilities. We promise that we will always do what is best for you. If side effects become to much, then we will stop. BUT...we want to give you a chance to catch up with your classmates. They TOWER over you! Yet, there you are with your sunny, happy self not letting it stop you. You have amazing perseverance.

Your faith is so strong, so vibrant and so bright. Your compassion for others is precious. You are the type of son and parent would want. You are obedient and respectful. While you do have your moments, you do love to please others and obey. You do get into mischief or cantankerous from time to time. And I see glimpse of teen attitude from time to time as well. You my son make my heart smile.

You are a great big brother. Your sisters adore you and you adore them. You would protect them at all costs.

I have watched you grow in spirit and character this year far more than physical growth. Your bright mind sometimes gets ahead of you and your mouth too, but you try. Watching you in karate is amazing. You are serious and focused.

We love you son. You are a gift from God. He has great and mighty things planned for you. God has a purpose and a call on your life that even Daddy and I can not understand. Run the race my son. Keep fighting for God and what's right. Keep living life with the positive view you have. Keep believing in others and having compassion. Most of all Keep on loving Jesus the way that you do.

God bless you my darling son. WE love you.
Happy 9th Birthday
Mommy and Daddy

Still recovering

I have no stamina. I am still coughing. I still do not feel well. I have lost some weight. I am tired. I don't sleep well. I am sick and tired of being sick. I will be back to posting eventually, but right now I just don't have it in me.

Just when you think you are back on track...

with the blogging thing, something comes up....like Mommy getting sick with pneumonia and being basically useless for a week. Finally feeling better and on the mend. Being layed out on the couch while your kids and husband live around you is not really conducive to rest.....even if your eyes are closed. I now have to get my house back in order......it isn't too bad but still needs a mother's touch.

Hopefully, my brain will come up with some much more interesting topics over the next couple of days.