Friday, January 30, 2009

I need a checkup.......

A Woman's Heart is the women's Bible Study I started attending at church today. It is by Beth Moore and about God's dwelling place and how the tabernacle of the Old Testament relates to our lives today. I am determined to attend every session. Usually something comes up with the kids and I have to miss. But I am determined to find a way to attend this 10 week course. I stay so busy I don't have enough time to be filled up by my Lord. Nursery duty on alternate Sundays and Wednesday nights, being with Mike at the other church on the Sundays I am not in the nursery and running interference with a toddler who wants to help Daddy preach. I too often do NOT get fed myself. I am finding myself spiritual running low on fuel. I need a tune up. Just time with God where I can let God work on my heart and what needs to be rearranged, thrown out or fixed up. I will try to blog about some of my discoveries.

Today, I read over at Sweet Tea With Lemons by my friend Rebekah about a book she is reading. Her post seriously made me think about depression and how it figures in with my life with my Lord. When I am tuned in, plugged in and filled up, my mood and ability to handle the things of life is there. When I am running low, not tuned in and have let the plug loosen I get depressed and struggle. However, like I said to her. I am also getting a check up. I am going to see if I am having early symptoms of the dreaded word.........MENOPAUSE. Something IS going on with me. I have fatigue beyond description, mood swings, depression and many other symptoms I'd rather NOT mention...LOL. So I am planning on getting a physical check up and a spiritual check up. I want God to do something newer, deeper fresher in me. My heart cries out to my Lord but I rarely have the energy to stand up and walk to the waters He has stirred. I refuse to let the enemy of my soul win this way. I want the best if what God has for me so I can be the best wife, mother, sister, pastor's wife....etc that God wants me to be for those He has placed in my life.

I must admit/confess here.......I have NOT been doing the best of that lately. I have let my attitudes slide, my duties as wife and mother get that I don't give my family the whole of me. I want more from God.......I want to be more for God and I want to do more for others. God forgive me for my failings and help me die to self and be alive to everything YOU have for me to discover, do and be.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Ahhh Sweet Relief and other ramblings

Finally, I think all of us are on the mend. We have all been under the weather even me. Finally, I feel well enough to blog. Now coming up with a topic today is a challenge but at least I am "back". Jennifer was sick, then me and now Hannah is coughing too but not as badly as the other two were. Finally, getting more than 2 hours of sleep was the biggest thing I needed. I was able to actually get some sleep last night. I feel like a new woman.

I am babysitting today. A sweet 9 month old boy and enjoying it. Even though he is almost as big in size as Jennifer he is still a baby. Jennifer is so toddler. It amazes me how fast my children have grown. While you want them to grow and develop, it is still bitter sweet. Knowing Jennifer is our last baby is sometimes beyond bitter sweet.

I held a little baby in the nursery on Sunday and he was so very precious it took my breath away. God is faithful. He knows my heart and He will give me children to love and care for through baby sitting.

I will also be adding another little girl in about 2-3 weeks. I will keep her Fridays and Saturdays so her mom can work. She is a single mom and little M is a baby that is ill. She needs a liver transplant or more importantly a miracle. I will blog about little M from time to time as I believe with her mother for a miracle. Little M. Is a tiny, little peanut of a girl with a loving, happy spirit. I have to be trained how to operate her feeding tube but other than that we are ready to go. I will get permission to post pictures of her for prayer requests and the like. Right now, little M is in the hospital being weaned off her TPN pump...not sure about what that means but it takes 10-14 days. It will be one less thing I have to learn to do. BUT if she needed me to learn I would.

I pray I can show this mother and child the love of Jesus. I am not sure of the mother's status with the Lord but God does and regardless I will be praying for her and little M daily. We are believing God for a miracle whether it comes through the hands of doctors or by a divine healing. God is able.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Not So Wordless Wednesday

Yesterday, Christopher was home from school. He was still pretty sick yesterday and mostly slept, propped up in a chair on his pillow so he could breathe better. Anyway, we were watching the Inauguration because it was history in the making. As the minister prayed for the President, Christopher, sat up and began praying along with him, quietly, but very serious. We had discussed how we as Christians should pray for our leaders. Christopher took this very seriously. It was so precious and I wish that all believers took prayer this seriously as to sit up out of their sick bed (well chair in this case) and prayed for their leader regardless of whether they voted for him or not. Truly out of the mouth of babes. And a little child shall lead them. Too many times my son has been that message to me that God used to make me think about attitudes and actions.

Also, I did not get a picture of it, but Jennifer took the oaths of office for the Vice President and President...hand raise....repeating in her two year old dialect word for word what they said. And she went around the rest of the day saying "So hept me Dod". (So help me God). Ahhh, the joy of watching your children never gets old!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

I am leaning heavily today on my Lord.

The word of God says:

Proverbs 3:5 KJV
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

Sometimes that is easily done...other times it is a struggle.

Right now Christopher is desperately ill with the flu which combined with his latest asthma flare is horrid. Asthma plus flu makes for a very bad combination. He is at home but not moving air well. He is on every 4 hour treatments around the clock and oral steroids.

To top it off.....much to my surprise I received the call today from his endocrine blood work. The visit to the endocrine doctor was last week and the specialist felt that he was not going to be growth hormone deficient because he has not an ounce of fat on him. Most children low on growth hormone are chunky around the middle. But Christopher is not.

He is a little low on growth hormone. Now this is not a bad thing necessarily but I fully believed with all my heart his growth hormone was normal. Treatment costs upwards of 100 thousand dollars! It is expensive! It is hard to get it paid for by insurance. I am at a loss to understand. So I have to lean....lean on my Lord.

My son needs to grow. Growing would enable him to perhaps "outgrow" allergies and asthma. Yet in the face of having to buy growth hormone factors I am at a loss as to understand. I am going through each door God opens leaning on HIM.

Throughout his young life, our son has had to face many challenges. Asthma, allergies, sensory issues and almost losing his life on more than one occasion. God is faithful. And while I don't understand, I lean on my Savior, our HEALER, OUR KING. HE ALONE can help us walk through the doors he opens....with the faith required to face each mountain.

I do not understand...but God does. I will not walk this alone for I have family, friends and a Lord who walk with me.

So today.....I am heavily on the arms of my Savior cause today I don't have strength to walk alone.

came back to add: His growth hormone factor testing will be Febuary 3rd. It involves putting in an IV, giving him medication to have the pitutary gland give off some growth hormone and measuring the amounts over several hours via the heplock to access 8 or more blood draws. Yeah......sounds like a fun way to spend the day...LOL.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

My Love Dare and other ramblings

is a bit on hold or has been yesterday and today. I have been feeling very unwell and still battling a headache off and on. I suspect I am entering perimenopause as all my symptoms coincided with day 1 of my monthly friend. I have had no energy, felt horrid and battled a headache all week. Sometimes the headache is severe, sometimes bearable and severe dehibilitating cramping. In any case, today I feel a bit better but still struggling with a headache that will not go away. It isn't severe but enough to make me tired and have no energy.

Thinking about the possibility of perimenopause makes me feel ill. LOL. I am only 41! I am not ready for this. I don't look forward to it at all. The kids have noticed mommy doesn't feel well this week. All 3 of them have come up to me at different times to pray for me. They put their little hands on my head and prayed in their precious, simple, child faith for Mommy. What a gift. Last night I was lying on the couch....the kids watching Disney and Jennifer comes up to me and says "I wubs you so much mommy". I still had the headache but those precious words were like balm to my soul. My husband knows I am not feeling well and is being very sweet and supportive.

So while I may not be doing the daily love tasks I am trying to keep the attitude behind the love dare in my heart until I can return to the tasks.

Christopher's asthma is on the verge of going bad. He is wheezing and coughing and not moving air well. We have upped his breathing treatments and he is now on oral steroids which we had on hand. We are being very aggressive with his treatments. We learned long ago this is the best option with him. We have to fight when he gets like this to keep him home. So far he is doing pretty well considering. Thursday night he was crying with chest pain from the effort to breathe. At least his pain is better.

I hope to be up to blogging again daily, soon. I just haven't felt like being on the computer, reading or watching tv or any of those type things. I have done good to care for the kids and keep the house somewhat in tolerable order. I really need to feel better because being side lined is no fun. I feel useless. But I know this is temporary and I will probably feel better this next week. My exercise has not even been on the radar screen.

That is all for my headachey induced rambling. So if this post doesn't make a lot of sense....I am sorry. Now off to take some tylenol...again.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Love Dare days 2 and 3

Life is busy so I haven't been on the last two days, put down my a 4 day headache. Today my mother watched the baby while I took some benadryl and slept all morning. Feeling much better. Plus yesterday, headache or not....Christopher had a doctor appointment. It is amazing how our bodies try to tell us to rest and we don't listen until we are flat on our back.

Anyway, I have kept up my love dare and am desperately trying to do it without letting my husband know since he saw the movie too. That is quite challenging. Here is the update.

Love Dare - Day 2
Do at least one unexpected gesture to your spouse as an act of kindness.
Ephesians 4:32
Date: 1/13/2009

Today I made rice krispy candy for my husband. A small batch just for him. I wanted to eat all of them as I LOVE THEM. They are one of my treat weaknesses. While I did share ONE with Jennifer cause she beseeched her daddy for one...with those big blue eyes looking expectantly and her wee voice saying "pweese me one daddy" and he said yes but the one she had was much too large so I shared with her. Other than that I left them alone. LOL. Oh I was so tempted to eat them up but I resisted. I also printed out a free printable I love you card and put with it. He was quite surprised and enjoyed them. I loved seeing him put some in a baggie to take to work. So far he does not know what I am up to. Hopefully.

Scripture for the day: "Be kind and compassionate one to another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you".

To often we find it easy to be kind to others outside our immediate family. We cook them dinners when they are sick or give them a kind word. But often for those who are our most beloved...we are short, cranky and irritable. Sometimes, we begrudgingly do things for them instead of being quick to act on a request or use a loving gesture. Sometimes we hold grudges over the little things instead of choosing to walk in forgiveness. I am trying not to sweat the small stuff and not let unforgiveness even get near the door of my heart. I love my husband. God placed him in my life for a reason and I want to honor that in all the things I do and say.


Love Dare - Day 3
Buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking about you today."
Romans 12:10
Date: 1/14/2009

Today I bought him on of those sounds cards. It has Lady and the Tramp on it and sings "that's amore". It is one of our movies. He said "you are my lady and I am your tramp because he was all scruffy from a day's growth of beard when he read it. LOL. I said honey I dont think you are. And he smiled. It is so easy to love him sometimes. Other times it isn't. It is in those moments he isn't easy to love I need to remember the easy times. Because love is a choice. Love is action. Love is a verb not an adjective or an adverb. Love is a living, breathing entity or it needs to be.

Scripture of the day:
Romans 12:10: "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love, honor one another above yourselves",

Devotion = 1. profound dedication, consecration
2. earnest attachment to.

If I am devoted to my husband then I am dedicated to him, his needs, showing him I love him. Consecration is a good word it usually is used in reference to giving ourselves totally and completely to God. However, in a marriage it means giving yourself to your husband in Christ like submission and love. It is not servant hood. It is willingly giving your husband the place God has given him in your home, heart and life. This for women is not easy but when we are "earnestly attached" to our husband through God's help this becomes and act of love. I need to work on putting my husband first more. That is what the Holy Spirit is pricking my conscience about the most. Too often because of the way he works I don't see him all day and I give every thing to the kids and the house and others. I don't save anything of my energy or attention for my husband. Not that I ignore him or reject him or fail to show him love......but undivided, clear devotion and attachment falls somewhere after bath and sleep at night. I need to work on this. I need to let him KNOW how much I treasure him by my actions. God forgive me be the type of wife that adores her husband in all her ways.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Not Me Monday

It was not me who skipped her exercise today because I was babysitting, allowing that adding an extra child who is only 9 months old would burn enough calories for the day.

It was not me who forgot I needed gas and barely made it to the gas station with my tank on E.

It was most definitely not me who decided to take the easy way out for supper and pop chicken nuggets and fries into the oven for the kids instead of what I had planned for dinner.

It surely wasn't me who took my husband's shirt out of his drawer and wore it instead of one of my own to hide the extra fat roll I am trying to rid myself of.

It was not me who relished in the just awakened sweet, smell of the baby I took care of today......allowing it to swirl me down memory lane and regret the fact I had my tubes tied after my last baby.

It was not me who laughed her head off when my children started burping their A,B,C's...after all Mommies are not supposed to allow their children to participate in such unruly behavior. is not me who is allowing the children to eat on trays in front of Disney on a school night simply cause daddy is at work and I have no energy left.

It is not me....oh no it isn't who is going to eat left over bbq rib tips from Famous Dave's instead of a lower calorie option. After all it would be my inlaws fault cause the FORCED me to the restaraunt on Sunday when they took us to lunch. I would never, stoop to such lows as to eat such high calorie foods when I am trying to lose weight.

It is not me who took my finger and licked the bbq sauce off the bottom of the styro-foam container where it spilled out I have WAY too much manners to be tempted by that wonderful bbq sauce.

It is not me who will refuse to look at the scale for days cause I have been so bad about my workouts for the last 3 day and my diet as well. could not be me.....for I would do never ever do such things.

It is not me....who can't wait for the kids bedtime I can curl up with a good book and a tall glass of milk to go with the rice krispy treats I am going to make ......cause it isn't me....most decidedly not me who can't resist the temptaion of having rice krispies and marshmallows in the house at the same time.............mmmmmm mmmmmmmmm good.

Calories surely don't count when it isn't me that is eating them right?

The Love Dare

A while back my husband and I saw the movie Fireproof in which the actor took a love dare. I think ALL marriages could benefit from the Love Dare which is now also a book. In any case, a friend sent me a challenge to do this. So I am starting today. I will blog this as my journal entries until I can get the book. I will blog other things too but each day one of my blog entries will hopefully be about my Love Dare. Here is a link to the Love Dare Challenge.

Take it....I DARE YOU..........I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU....LOL.

The Love Dare Day 1:

Resolve to say nothing negative about your spouse today.
Ephesians 4:2

""Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."

As I think about this......I realize too many times in a blog or one of my Mommy boards I say negative things, even if "joking around with other women" about the many faults of men.......this is a negative way of referring to my husband and it is wrong. Saying nothing negative is difficult. Because sometimes we think negatively before we even give ourselves a chance to find a positive. So I am resolving, even when aggravated with my husband to find something positive to say or do. I am not telling my husband I am taking the dare. I love him. I know he is the one God chose for me and I do not want to downgrade or put down in any way the gift God gave me in my husband. I am sure over the next 40 days it will be hard to not say negative things. Because the whole concept of the love dare is to do the challenge for that day plus the day before and so on.......some I may not be able to do quite the way the book intended if it involves money...but I will figure this out. I will SHOW my husband how much I love him. He is and always will be my Preacher Charming.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

A voice in the night

It was 4:30 AM. I was dreaming a crazy but good dream about my husband being super man but looking very much like himself.(Guess it is okay for me to think my beloved is super man). In the dream he was placing roses on a waterfall that said "surprise" that dream was interrupted by a voice in the night. So I have no idea what the surprise was.

It took me a moment to figure out the voice. It was a small, child like voice.....but yet I knew it was NOT one of my children. I listened.......and listened some more asking my husband......"did you hear one of the kids"...only to hear a grunt something akin to a no.

I listened some more........

a voice said "ba ba please"....... ba? No one in this house takes a ba ba and hasn't for some time.

Then I realized it had to be one of the children's dolls. I told Mike to go check.....cause it takes me a LONG time to drag my old, creaky, achy body out of bed. I figured it was one of the girls laying on a doll that talks.

No it was not that.

Finally, my husband discovered the was..........
BABY ELMO....sitting all one touching him.........asking for his "ba ba" without assistance from a human hand.

The sure sign.......he needs new batteries. Because Elmo toys of any kind are notorious for either talking without the help of human hands, growling, or laughing an evil sounding laugh in the darkest hours of the night......when batteries are fading. Yes.......ELMO is not possesses like some weird Chucky doll.....he just needs batteries. My darling husband rescued me from the voice of Elmo.....with the ingenious invention..........and OFF BUTTON.

I have had Elmo's growl at me or laugh that horrid battery dying laugh.......the disembodied voice of dolls..........but the worst was the night my infant daughter's heartbeat/womb bear started growling at 3 am. Just when I was ready to cast things out in the Name of Jesus from my home......I discovered the source.....the dying batteries of a bear causing it to growl in a most evil manner. So that voice in the night is USUALLY a sign something needs batteries.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

The Snore conundrum

I am so tired my brain can not function. My darling husband has been snoring really bad lately. He can't help it but it keeps me awake. I tell him to turn over and either he doesn't hear me or he hears me and then turns over.......but 360 degrees.....right back to full snore position.

That sound.......the sound of snoring....grates on my brain like nails on chalkboards...(sorry).....and sometimes I swear he does it on purpose (okay I know he doesn't but my sleep deprived brain thinks so). He went to bed earlier last night cause he had to be up early. So I come in to the room......not a sound is heard......not one peep, not one snore. I slip quietly into my pajamas and lift the covers on my side of the bed. Ever so gently and softly I climb into bed. I lay my weary head upon my pillow and breath a soft, quiet let it all out breath. Adjust my covers and pillow, close my eyes..........then it happens.........

zooooooooooooooonkkkkkkkkkkkkk......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zoooooooooooonnnnnnnnnk........

The snoring has begun. I try telling him to turn no avail. At this point a herd of elephants being ridden by a marching band setting off fireworks could not awaken the man. I stuff my pillows over my no ears are assaulted by that awful........sawing of my husband's nostrils in the midst of his dreams.

When we were first married. He did not snore or if he did it was a soft snore which I thought was "cute". Ahhhhh the wonder of newly wed bliss........LOL. I did not know then that the "cute" snore ages 20 times as fast as we do per year. So now after 9 years of marriage his snore is that of an old man......a large old man with a big snoz. And to my darling husband, I love you dearly but your snore....I do not think is cute any longer.

So what to do? The man works hard to provide for this family. He needs his sleep. But the has got to go. Those breathe right strip things.......waste of money.......although my kids think they are the coolest to play doctor on stuffed animals with. All their animals would have breath right strips if I let them.

Of course my dear husband says I snore to but it doesn't bother him......I have woke myself up once or twice snoring.....but for the most part I know nothing about it. Since my darling husband can sleep through does not affect him. However, I could hear a gnat sneeze downstairs and wake up wondering what the sound was. I am the light sleeper. My family......all deep, heavy sleepers once they get to sleep.

So here I sit wondering how I am going to help my husband stop snoring so I can get some sleep. One day this week.....I opted to find the couch. But sleeping on the couch days on end is not the answer. I like sleeping next to my husband as long as he isn't snoring. So any of you people out there in blog land who suffer the same fate I do......if you have ideas......send them on. In the mean time......I thought about ear plugs but then I am afraid I would not hear one of the children if they needed me. sigh..........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Monday, January 5, 2009


My dear daughter Jennifer was drawing at her easel when she told me

"I werkin on my shermon, don't bottah me I do shermon"........LOL. Her daddy had gone upstairs on Saturday to finish up his sermon he'd struggled with all week. Sometimes they come easy and sometimes not. The kids had been outlandishly active and rambunctious and their daddy told them they'd have to quiet down and not bother him because he needed to finish up his sermon. Anyway, this was the result. She worked for 30 minutes on her "shermon".

I asked her what it was about and she said

"Desus, He help me, He love me". That is about it. It was so cute. And she has been playing "shermon" writing ever since. I have to say it is about the cutest in the world.

Children.........they watch everything we do and say. That is why we have to work so hard to be good examples for them. Even in the moments when we do make mistakes, say something we should not, or do something we should not and they see it. We must apologize and let them know mistakes will happen.....and that forgiveness will always be ready. They need to see us do good things and when we don't they need to see us admit it and ask for forgiveness.

So my dear sweet daughter's "shermon" in its own simple way touched my soul and my heart. She insisted on giving it to her I must have her write me another to put in the keepsake box.

Ahh....the innocence and sweetness of childhood.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

41 years ago

In a small army hospital early on New Year's day a woman with 2 boys gave birth to her two daughters. These babies, born as number 3 and number 4 of the sparkling new year, 1968 would prove that God does answer prayer and miracles still happen. Born between 26-28 weeks gestation these babies were two of the smallest and earliest babies born at that time. The doctors told the parents that Baby A had a 50% chance to live and that baby B had 0% chance to live They also told the parents if the babies did live, they would have many problems, most likely be of lower IQ and not be able to graduate high school much less college. They painted a bleak picture. The parents were not allowed to see or touch their twin girls. At that time, it was not known that babies needed their mother's touch to help them survive.

3 days later the mom was able to watch them through the nursery window. Twin B stopped breathing and turned blue and grey. Nurses and doctors rushed to her aid and the mother, turned and fled to her room to crash upon the floor on her knees before the ONLY ONE who could intervene. Already, people across the nation were praying and prayer chains stretched nation wide. AS she prayed she told God how she wanted her babies but that she surrendered to the will of the Father.

I am hear to tell you, that God does not work by chance. He gives second chances. He creates something from nothing. He takes what is considered a 0% chance of life and makes it into 100%. The reason I knows is I am that 0% chance. When my sister and I were born there were not neonatal units or specialized IV for tiny baby arms, or any of what medicine has wonderfully been blessed with today. BUT we had a mother who PRAYED. And we had a LORD who answered. As I think about my 41 years on this planet I am awed by the handiwork of God. He has given me blessings beyond measure. I do not have fame or worldly goods. We are far from wealthy, just squeaking by.......BUT......we are making it and our needs are met. I have a wonderful, God fearing husband. I have 3 beautiful children who already love their Lord. I have a Savior who has done more for me than anyone ever could.

I am truly and completely awed by my KING. He is my everything. I tell my story again and again each birthday because what God did all those years ago is still impacting my world. He has a plan for each of us. It doesn't matter what doctors say. It doesn't matter what medicine can or can't do. IF God speaks.......things happen and things change. If God speaks.....miracles are wrought we can not even see.

So to my God and my King.....thank you for my life, thank you for my salvation. Thank you for a mother who didn't believe the doctors but turned to the one who could do anything. Thank you that she did not believe my IQ was less than normal and raised me to believe in Jesus and that through HIM I can do anything. God is greater than anything in this world or any negative words of this world

Thank you Jesus.