Last Day of the old year and last day as a 41 year old

Today is the last day of the year. Tomorrow dawns a new year and my birthday. I will be 42. Do I feel 42? No, not really. I feel like an immature person who makes too many mistakes. Do we ever "feel" grown up? I see people who seem to have it all together and I marvel at them. I know you aren't supposed to be jealous, but I do get a tad bitten by the green eyed monsters of these ladies who have it all together. Then I am reminded, they may feel the same way I do. None of us are immune to feeling this way.

As the New Year dawns there is so many hopes I have for my family and myself. I pray we can get on a more even keel financially. I pray I can become a stronger Christian, a better wife and a better mother. I pray some way, some how God will allow us to have a house instead of an apartment. I pray that my children will be healthy.

For Christopher, I pray most of all he will get past his sensory issues and EAT.

For Hannah, I pray she realizes that being the middle child doesn't mean she is forgotten. We try to show this to her in many ways, but you see it in her eyes sometimes....middle child syndrome.

For Jennifer it is a more selfish prayer, that she will learn to stop wetting the bed at night.

For Mike, that his dreams of becoming a pastor of a church on a constant basis will be realized. Whether, he becomes an associate pastor or a head pastor is irrelevant. But he wants to preach and teach.

For myself, that I will learn how to be more organized. Be a avid Bible reader and a strong prayer warrior. God HIMSELF will be my guide. I see in myself the things I lack and I know there MUST be change for growth. Old things must be cast away. I must be pruned and trimmed. I am ready Lord, teach me. Mold me, make me into the woman YOU want me to be.

I feel like we have had a year of storms, rain, trials and tests. But I also believe there is new growth peeking out of the flood and the rain. As tender shoots brave the storms that have assailed us, God will bring to good what was meant for bad. Somehow, we will be victorious and we will look back and see that it was a time of change and growth. Out of rain comes new life. Our of storms come rainbows. God is faithful.

Things I have learned this past year

• That a 3 year old can have a better sense of humor than any adult I know.
• That I am not nor can I ever be super mom.
• That people will always judge you and find you lacking but you don't have to listen to their judgements. That you can rise above what others thing and know that you are doing what you are supposed to do.
• That 9 year old boys can be grumpy one second and a nano second later they are happy. They have faster mood swings than toddlers ever dreamed of having. And their moods do not always make sense.
• That each year with my children and husband brings deeper love.
• That God isn't finished with me, He hasn't given up on me, and He believes in me even when there are those in my life who don't seem to.
• That pain of the heart does not last forever, but it can make you stronger.
• That once again, prayer DOES work.
• That you can have little in the monetary sense of the word but have much in love. (I did know that but it was shown to me again and again).
• That miracles show up in unexpected places and ways.
• That God's promises truly are new every morning. Once again, I knew that, but God shows it to me again and again. I love Him.
• That friendship has a way of being like warm butter on hot toast, comforting and soothing.
• That love is truly the root of contentment.
• That a kindergartner sees life through different eyes. Eyes full of wonder and joy.

I will be adding to this list from time to time.

Guess the pain is just that pain

No known cause, the blood work and urine sample showed nothing in regards to the pain. However, I KNOW it isn't all in my head, it is in my side! Today is better, not as severe as yesterday. Guess I just have to live with it. Although I did find out I have border line low thyroid and googled that. That totally explains WHY I am so tired all the time. No medications to be prescribed at this time, so yet another thing I have to deal with. I am going to have to figure out how to live my life with constant exhaustion and no way to treat it. Fun, fun fun. NOT.

Okay I am in a poor mood today, pain will do that to you. The kids are being sweet though. All 3 of them. Jennifer keeps coming over to me, laying hands on me and praying for me. It is so precious. I have the best kids on the planet, hands down!

So that is my little update.

I am going to take my pain, that was akin to labor pain yesterday and lay down on the couch. Sad thing is that for all that pain; I have nothing little and cute to show for it. sigh.

Dr Update

Nothing to report. Sigh, still in pain and nothing to report. Dr does not think it is a cracked rib because he could press the rib. He did a lot of blood work and took a urine sample. All I know is I want something to show HOW to TREAT this. I HURT! 24/7 ....I hurt. Please God let them find an answer and be able to treat it. I AM IN PAIN.

My Dearest Hannah

Mommy has a great huge apology to give you. I did not get your birthday letter and birthday post written back in November. I am sorry. Partly due to all the illness in our house and partly just due to Mommy getting distracted. One day you will understand how that can happen and how it is no reflection of Mommy's love for you.

Over the past year, you have grown so much in so many ways. You are mature beyond your years. You are loving and compassionate. You live life with gusto but at the same time, you are our most serious child. You think deeply, you love deeply and you are sensitive. You are the Princess. You are such a girly girl. You make me smile. You can be moody and pouty but it is because you feel so deeply. You have learned to read. You have learned so much in Kindergarten. You love learning and growing and living.

Your love for Jesus is beautiful. Watching you do your drama inspires me. You praise your Lord with all of your precious heart. You love Him immensely and you are not afraid to show it.

Your kindness towards others is phenomenal. You make your Daddy and I so proud. I marvel at the person you are. I see great big possibilities in you. I think you will either be a teacher or someone who cares for others. You say, you want to be a Mommy with 12 children! That humbles me, because you say you want to be like me. In all my faults and flaws you want to be like your Mommy. That makes me want to do better.

You my sweet daughter are in inspiration and I love you. Keep shining for Jesus.

Love Mommy

My plans for the coming year

I am going to attempt to make at least one blog post a day. That is 365 posts at least. I am not going to promise but I am going to try. There will be days that will be about as exciting as watching paint dry. However, with my 3 kids I am sure there are some days that will be entertaining, at least to other moms. I hope to inspire someone, share my faith and perhaps make someone have hope and want to live for the Lord.

I don't fathom that I have great words of wisdom or influence. I am just a normal wife, mother, woman with flaws and imperfections. Occasionally I get bursts of inspiration and have something eloquent to say. However, for the most part, I am as average as they come.

I try to live my life with compassion, love and integrity. I make mistakes. I am not the perfect wife, mother, Christian, and so on. I want to be better in all areas of my life. I want others to see that the Jesus I speak about is the Jesus I live and love and serve.

Happy New Year and may the coming year bring you many blessings.

Updates from us

The kids finally did get better but then it was Christmas activities at the school, church and going here and there and busy busy busy. Christopher's asthma continues to be a challenge.

I too am facing a challenge right now. For a couple of weeks I have had off and on pain under my left rib cage. This weekend it has become more prevalent and more constant. I am making a doctor's appointment tomorrow. We are thinking maybe one of the kids cracked a rib crawling on Mommy? Not sure but the pain ranges from a 3-9 on a scale of 1-10 and is never gone now. I am not sure what is going on but I am tired of hurting, so off I go to try and find some answers. My prayer is that they find the cause and FIX IT! Mommy being out of commission is NOT an option.

Flu Flu Go Away

Go away and stay away. All 3 kids are sick now. Christopher and Jennifer are a bit better. Christopher has been the sickest, so far. Hannah has fever of 103 and feeling really bad today. Yesterday she was fine and ran some fever last night and it spiked this morning. So hopefully it will be out of our house by the time the weekend is over.

I pray that Mike and I do not get it. Mike can not miss work. I can not be sick either. I have my family to take care of. It is rough when all are sick. At least they aren't all desperately ill all at the same time. Thankfully we got Christopher to the ER when we did. Seriously, they said it was good that we did. If we'd waited until the next day, he'd have been much sicker. God is faithful. Always faithful.

And it has hit full force

Christopher ended up in ER on Sunday night. Respiratory distress, high fever, etc. They treated him with an hour long epinephrine breathing treatment. Did a chest xray. They released him on antibiotics, tami flu and he is also on breathing treatments and oral steroids. He has the flu, asthma flare and pnuemonia. He has lost THREE POUNDS! He is now down to 36 lbs! My poor baby.

Now Jennifer has spiked a fever and is coughing. Life as I know it revolves around meds, breathing treatments, and worrying about the kids. Hannah is at school and so far no signs of illness.

I am tired.

And the asthma/flu/whatever it is has struck

Christopher is quite ill but not in need of an ER visit as of yet. He is struggling but stable at the moment. I myself am fighting fear. Fear that H1N1 has struck and that because of his asthma he is going to end up really sick. I fight that fear. His lungs sound horrible. I refuse to give into fear and the whispers of the enemy. God is bigger than fear. He is bigger than the flu. He is bigger than asthma. My God is able!

Christopher has always been a trooper when he is sick. Never complains. What makes me the most edgy is my son is begging us to help him feel better. Crying that he feels so bad. He has NEVER reacted this way to illness. He is such a strong little boy. Seeing him like this hurts. It is a physical hurt of the heart and Mommy can't fix it. I think that is what hurts the most when our kids are sick. Not being able to kiss it away.

Lack of compassion astounds me

I came across a blog about a baby born with anacephaly. I was shocked by the sheer lack of compassion and human kindness in some of the comments. Some said the baby wasn't human and didn't deserve to live. Yet in some of the pictures and videos posted you could clearly see that baby interacting with her Mommy. The baby could breathe and function without a ventilator. Yes she had a feeding tube, but she ate, she enjoyed her milk and she thrived. She blessed her family. She made noises and let them know by the smacking of her lips and soft crying when she was hungry. She COMMUNICATED. Hello it does not matter how much or how little brain that baby had. She WAS a HUMAN being. She had feelings, she had life, she communicated, in our way...no but in her own way. SHE MATTERED. Why is it people want to define which life is valuable and which life is not? ALL life is valuable. She was created for a purpose. She was fearfully and wonderfully made. Her family loved her and in her own little way she gave love. She responded to her mother's touch....and formed a bond. That is love.

I wonder where the love in the world has gone. I read on a mommy forum about people who have to have state assistance or they are struggling in this economy and people jump on them and call them names and belittle them. Or someone made some poor decisions and people jump on them and call them the worst of the worst. Or someone asks a question about parenting or a medical question and people call them stupid or tell them that there way is wrong. Spankers say non spankers are wrong and vice versa. Not many seem to find compassion in themselves to respect the differences in our world and give each other support. WHY? WHERE is the compassion? Why can't people see that we are all one paycheck away from poverty? People judge people if they put up a fake tree for crying out loud. I mean come on, seriously. Does it make someone better if they use a live tree? Many people are allergic or can't afford a live tree just to throw it away. Some have build a tradition around their "fake" tree. I was like, oh my word I can't believe someone just berated someone for having a fake tree. There is a lot more in this world to get worried about. Let's teach our children compassion. Let's support one another in love instead of berating people because they are different, believe different, live differently. It is fine to preach Jesus if you LIVE JESUS while you are preaching Jesus. If you berate people and their lives and give them no compassion then you are dishonoring Jesus. It just astounds me. I pray for those people because obviously they have lacked some love somewhere or something. They need prayer, but it is hard for me to see these people be so mean to others. Why are people so mean? I can not comprehend it.

Thanksgiving blessings

Seems as if life has gotten in the way of blogging, LOL. Since I last blogged my middle daughter turned 6 and we had thanksgiving and life has kept me on the go.

Our family went to my Dad's and Step Mom's or as a friend says "a bonus mom" for Thanksgiving. It was such a wonderful holiday. Watching my Dad so different with my kids than he was with my siblings and I was touching. I am glad he has mellowed and is not the same man I grew up with. I am glad to see his gentleness and his sweetness with the children. Am I jealous? Not in the least. I am so glad my children can have a grandfather who is gentle and kind. We all change. We all make mistakes. He has and he did. Forgiveness colors the world with a new crayon. I can see things I never saw before. I can see him as a man who albeit it flawed, loved and still loves me. He loves my husband and our children. Does he have flaws, yep, and so do I. I can choose to walk and live in forgiveness. If I do not choose this road, my children would never know their grandfather. I watched as my littlest ran to my father and said "You is my "heyro". I watched my father stoop down and pick her up and treasure the moment. I watched my father walk hand in hand with my children and enjoy the slow pace he must take now. At almost 74 his gait is remarkably slower. The perfect pace for children who like to notice the pine straw and dandelions blowing in the cool November wind.

My God has orchestrated my life. Now I can sit back and watch my children bond with an older generation. I can see them learn compassion by slowing down to Grandpa's pace. I can see them as they learn our elders should be respected when they without prompting "yes sir" or "no sir" in respect.

I am hopefully back in blog land for a while. I will try, not promise, but try to blog some at least once a week, hopefully more. I have missed blog land.

I have missed putting down some of the cute things my children have done and now I can't remember...LOL. Proof that I too one day, sooner maybe than I want, be a part of the older generation..LOL.