Could it really be that he is 8 years old? Wasn't it just yesterday I held him in my arms for the first time? 8 years ago today at 6:32 am Eastern time, he came into the world crying and peeing on the nurse(which he did twice). I was out cold under general anesthesia due to failure to progress, pre-eclampsia and a failed eipdural. Much about that day I do NOT remember, I was so drugged on magnesium sulfate for the preeclampsia. Unknown to me, they held my newborn son to my cheek and let him "kiss me" right after he was born so he could "smell mommy". Hours later, we rolled by the nursery, me on a stretcher and basically to drugged to know I was in the world. BUT, they laid my first born son on my chest. I looked into those huge, dark, alert and vibrant eyes and felt a powerful jolt, a surge of electricity as a mother's love was unleashed on her first born. Surely, the heavens stood still for it felt as if all time had stopped and it was just him and I. In those few moments, my life was changed forever. It was one of the most single defining moments of my life, the day I became a mother. Everything, I had always wanted to be, everything I'd always dreamed of came true that day. I had a loving husband and a child. I did not understand before that day; how truly incredible heart stopping and earth shattering love is. I wanted to live, sleep, eat and breathe motherhood. Of course, I was soon to find out......that is just what you do, even at 3 am when you haven't slept in weeks, you can't take off motherhood. It is who you are. But in those first hours......the magic of new life overwhelmed me. That my Lord and my God would bless me with such a gift and entrust me to take care of him; that was not only humbling but scary. How could I, someone who makes so many mistakes actualy raise this totally dependent awesome creation to be who God wants Him to be. Then God spoke in the quiteness of the early dawn the next day as I held my newborn son to my chest to feed him: I am with you, fear not for I am with you I am your God and I will uphold you and through me all things are possible. Do not be afraid for in your weakness I am strong and I will help you and teach you. Trust me.

God in all his infinit wisdom gave me a child who would face many challenges. Allergies so severe they could take his life, asthma so severe we almost lost him on several occasions and sensory issues that threatned his very development. Through it all God has been there. When he was 16 months old and lay dying in my arms; God whispered to my aching, breaking mommy heart......"GIVE HIM TO ME, give ME control". Tears running down my face, voice shaking with emotion, I said "Yes, Lord, I will." I leaned over to my dying child and whispered in his little ear. "Christopher, I love you. Daddy loves you. YOU mean the world to us. But if Jesus calls you home, go to Him. You will be okay and we will be okay". And at that moment I surrendered my child to my Lord. From that moment on my child slowly but surely began to get better. Why God chose for it to take place that way I do not understand. Why some mother's do have to release their children to the arms of the Father only to be seen again on the other side of glory, I do not know. But I do know my heart changed again that day. And although I still struggle from time to time with complete trust in my Lord..........I KNOW that I KNOW my Lord has my children in the palm of His hand. Christopher through his many illnesses has learend a deep faith in God. At 3 he told me "Mommy, Jesus and Mercy(his imaginary friend who we believe is his guardian angel) sit by my bed and tell me not to be afraid". Once when he was 5 and in intensive care he said Jesus came to see him while he was there. My child.......he humbles me, awes me. I have seen my child crying out, all on his own, with no prompting to hear from Lord. Trying to reach heaven with his outstretched hands raised to the heavens. My little boy cried out to know more of God. Yes, he is a normal child who makes mistakes and can be fresh and naughty BUT the faith he has is beyond explanation. I am humbled by my son. I am blessed to be his mother. Happy Birthday my son. You were our first child and each of you children have gifts God has graced you with that make you all so special, so amazing beyond words. You are a miracle my son. A miracle from God and I praise the Lord for who you are and all you are going to become......because my dear and precious son, God has great and mighty plans for you. Run toward the calling He has called you to. Do not look back but press on towards the calling Jesus has placed in you.
Love Mommy

Scriptures for Today

From time to time I post scriptures that have specific meaning for me that day. So today, is one of those days. I have a scripture box that I can pull scripture cards from. On one side is a scripture, on the other, a prayer. I am going to list a couple that touched my heart today. A day I am tired and weary. A day, that the burdens of life seem to be overwhelming me in the light of bills, problems with my son's eating issues and more. So here are my scriptures for today, may they minister not only to me, but to someone else.

"Cast they burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain the: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.". Psalm 55:22

The prayer on the card: Our Trust is in Thee, O God. Let us never give in to discouragement.

My thoughts: I did give into discouragment this morning where my son's eating issues, due to his sensory disorder is concerned. I really think part of his problem is all in his head. He thinks he will have a problem so he does not even try. In, my sleep deprived state (the baby didn't sleep well). I gave him pears instead of fruit medley. He ate his toast but did not touch the fruit. I asked him what was wrong, he said "that's not medley, its pears". I for the first time in my life, tried to force him, I am ashamed. I did get some pears on his lips but of course not in his mouth. Then I smacked him and yelled. And honestly I really have had it. HE has to decide to eat. I can't make him. Although, today I tried. When I saw his face I was ashamed. I promised myself I would NEVER EVER do that. Today, I reached a limit I didn't know I had and I tried to force him. Did it help? No, of course not. We were both in tears and I had to calm down before I could speak to him. I said I was sorry for losing my temper, held him, rocked him and cried with him. Then we prayed. I prayed over him that God would heal his mind so he will eat and prayed much more. I need to cast this burden on the Lord. It is too heavy for me. I can't deal with it anymore. I am tired of the eating issues. I usually just leave it up to him and he goes hungry. I am tired of him going hungry when he has a perfectly acceptable choice in front of him. If he would just TRY. So I must cast this burden on my Lord. Cause I can't do this anymore. No one will help him cause it isn't a learning disability. We can't afford therapy for this disorder, like he used to get. So we only have the answer of Jesus. He is the One and only One that can do this. I am done, I surrender.

"The Lord is my strength and song, and He is become my salvation."
Exodus 15:2

the prayer: Lord, order my steps today. Make me strong, not for the sake of possessing strength, but to make me sufficient for the crisis moments in my life and in the lives of others who reach out to me.

My thoughts: I need His strength. I can't live this life without Him. I need his strenght to face our financial needs and burdens. I need His strength not to worry about not having children to babysit to help the income. I need His strength to deal with the baby not sleeping, Christopher not eating and Hannah going through this jealous mean stage with Jennifer. I can't do it alone. I am weak but He is strong.

"Be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord they God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." Joshua 1:9

the prayer: When I feel alone, Father, help me to remember that you are with me and I have nothing to fear.

my thoughts: Even though somedays are overwhelming and my son's needs seem like a huge mountain, I am not alone. When I feel most alone, He is with me. I don't have to fear my son will never be normal. God will heal him. And one day I will look back and see what God has done.