That is just what this post is, rambling. As I try to get back in the swing of blogging, I feel like my brain is working through mud. The kids are just being kids, I have many tasks that need completing, and many worries on my mind. So here I sit compelling my brain to find an outlet through my blog. Yet, the words will not come. I long to have one of those blogs people just want to read. Yet my brain will not cooperate. 2008 is already proving that life changes and challenges will need to be faced. Yet, I lack the energy today to face any of it. Not of my plans/goals have been met today. Things I want to do, I have no energy for. I know it is due to sleep deprivation but still I just want this year to be different. I want to be a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, child of God. Yet, I have to struggle not to see my failures. I want what God wants. I want my children healthy, whole and growing in all areas....mind, body and spirit. Yet, I need to nurture those things. Good intentions are rampant but the energy to follow through is gone. My prayer is that God will help me find what I need from Him to be who I want to be. Having reached 40 years of life, sometimes, I feel like I have nothing to show for it. Yet, I know that is not entirely true. I have bright, happy, good children. A loving, hard working, Christian husband who admires me. I have so many blessings, so I don't feel like I have the right to complain. I try to always find the postive in things but some days I just get discouraged too. Yet, I feel like sometimes people expect I should never get discouraged or tired or without the ability to make it throught that day. My children rely on me so I struggle and muddle through on those days. I have tried to read my Bible today but it just hasn't happened. I could not concentrate on the words. I need something today, that I can put my mind on. My children are upstairs sleeping, my husband is at work, the supper dishes are in the sink and the table is not cleared. Yet my focus and energy and strength are gone. My hearts desires which shall remain between God and I are IMPOSSIBLE. We have so many financial needs I cant even explain. While I know God will supply I still get discouraged yet, feel like people think I should be ever strong about it. God has met our needs I KNOW that but there are times I just want to sit in the floor with my favorite blanket and sob. Yet, If I did that, I would feel weak.....I am not writing this for sympathy but to purge my soul. This is a place I can write out feelings and let the chips fall where they may. I am expected in real life to always be positive, upbeat and the strong one in so many areas of my life at home, with extended family at church......etc. But here I am, tired, worn and discouraged like a gull fighting against hurrican breezes to get to safe harbor on the shore. The waves seem to be overwhelming me and I can't hold on......or that is the way I feel today. Why can't I have a turn to cry? Why can't I have a turn be be discouraged.......Lord help me......I am so tired.