Monday, November 2, 2009
Ahhhh yes, I have discovered Facebook is fun and wonderful but it can be a trap. I am trying to kick my dependence on technology. Facebook, television, and the like tend to not only be a time stealer but a mind trap. There has to be a balance. However, in order to find the balance I must let the pendulum swing to the opposite side for a bit so I can kick my habit. So....I have decided to attempt to lay off facebook and tv for a bit. It is proving much harder than I anticipated. Today was day 1. I have not been that successful today but I am trying.
When and how did I become so dependent. I am not sure. It kind of crept up on me. But I do not want the only thing my children remember about their childhood is Mommy at the computer interacting WITH them BUT at the same time multi tasking with the computer. NOT good! I am a flawed person. We are all flawed. Facebook, myspace, technology offers an escape into a different world. A world where when you post a status report about being frustrated, you get an answer of support or sympathy or encouragement. It has become far too......addictive....not exactly the word......alluring......not the word either......but it is a trap for me. As I battle this, I realize my dependence on facebook entertainment, has taken away a lot. I no longer read like I used to. I don't play with the kids like I used to. I don't study the word of God or pray like I used to. I must break this. I must defeat this in my life to become a Proverbs 31 Mom.
It all started innocently enough, like most things that can take control of your life. But I AM the one who has to break it. NO ONE else can. Do I have to give it up entirely. No, not forever, but I do need to break the connection. However, if limiting myself doesn't work. I WILL break all ties with FB until I defeat this.
Take a peek into my day:
I get up and get the kids breakfast, lay out their clothes and then sit my rear in my desk chair and log in.
I monitor the dressing and tooth brushing from the chair. I encourage them, tell them they are doing a good job etc, but at at the same time.....I am telling "Sister Sue" who has posted she is struggling with doubt that I care and to hang in there". My child says Love you mommy, I say I love you baby and hug her and kiss her and head back for the chair.
The kids leave for school with lots of hugs and kisses.........BUT was I really THERE? WAS I PRESENT for THEM? Oh my Dear Lord ABOVE NO! I was distracted with the problems and concerns of others instead of focusing on my children. Did they get love and attention, yes, but they did NOT get ALL of me. Only a distracted, albeit loving Mommy, one whose attention was divided. WHEN....when did others people's problems become more important than giving my full attention to my children. I am ASHAMED. I am repentant and I am grieving because I never knew I could become this way. What will my children remember? Dear Lord please let them remember love...not mommy sitting at the computer between household tasks and homework. Let them remember a Mommy that takes them outside to look at the changing leaves.
Now my prayer:
Dear Lord Jesus
I am sorry for failing in the call you put on my life to be a wife and mother. The call you placed on me to mold these little souls to you. I love them. I love you. But I have been escaping from stress into a world that is only somewhat real. Yes the people are real, but so are my children. I can't let this go on. I give you my life Lord. I ask for forgiveness, for letting stuff just stuff come in between not only me and you but me and my family. Break me Lord, mold me. Help me Jesus to be all that you have called me to be. I give you my life Lord. I give you my heart, my mind, my body and my soul. I give you my family. I give you ME. I can not do this alone. I am baring my soul here and it hurts. I am sorry. I want to do better. Help me walk the way you have called me to walk.
Over the next week I am going to try to break my habits. I will be on Facebook on occasion and I will blog about this journey. Because quite frankly, I do not think I am the only one that struggles with this. I do not think I am the only Mom that finds comfort in facebook, blogs and the like. Motherhood is hard. Finding people online through facebook, blogs, mommy message boards is an escape from the stress. However, I need to go to the ONE, the only ONE who is to be my ONLY source.
While my children are far from neglected and ignored; they are getting only part of me. I must give them more of Mommy. I must let them have my undivided attention. So while my sweet 3 year old slumbers during her nap, I am going to my knees. I am praying God will give this flawed, imperfect mommy strength to live .....One day at a time.
So my blogging friends...take the journey with me. Help me and find in yourself those things that control your attention......we all have them....if we admit it. God bless you. More on Day 2..tomorrow.