Technology Fast...aka trying to kick the Facebook habit

Ahhhh yes, I have discovered Facebook is fun and wonderful but it can be a trap. I am trying to kick my dependence on technology. Facebook, television, and the like tend to not only be a time stealer but a mind trap. There has to be a balance. However, in order to find the balance I must let the pendulum swing to the opposite side for a bit so I can kick my habit. So....I have decided to attempt to lay off facebook and tv for a bit. It is proving much harder than I anticipated. Today was day 1. I have not been that successful today but I am trying.

When and how did I become so dependent. I am not sure. It kind of crept up on me. But I do not want the only thing my children remember about their childhood is Mommy at the computer interacting WITH them BUT at the same time multi tasking with the computer. NOT good! I am a flawed person. We are all flawed. Facebook, myspace, technology offers an escape into a different world. A world where when you post a status report about being frustrated, you get an answer of support or sympathy or encouragement. It has become far too......addictive....not exactly the word......alluring......not the word either......but it is a trap for me. As I battle this, I realize my dependence on facebook entertainment, has taken away a lot. I no longer read like I used to. I don't play with the kids like I used to. I don't study the word of God or pray like I used to. I must break this. I must defeat this in my life to become a Proverbs 31 Mom.

It all started innocently enough, like most things that can take control of your life. But I AM the one who has to break it. NO ONE else can. Do I have to give it up entirely. No, not forever, but I do need to break the connection. However, if limiting myself doesn't work. I WILL break all ties with FB until I defeat this.

Take a peek into my day:

I get up and get the kids breakfast, lay out their clothes and then sit my rear in my desk chair and log in.

I monitor the dressing and tooth brushing from the chair. I encourage them, tell them they are doing a good job etc, but at at the same time.....I am telling "Sister Sue" who has posted she is struggling with doubt that I care and to hang in there". My child says Love you mommy, I say I love you baby and hug her and kiss her and head back for the chair.

The kids leave for school with lots of hugs and kisses.........BUT was I really THERE? WAS I PRESENT for THEM? Oh my Dear Lord ABOVE NO! I was distracted with the problems and concerns of others instead of focusing on my children. Did they get love and attention, yes, but they did NOT get ALL of me. Only a distracted, albeit loving Mommy, one whose attention was divided. WHEN....when did others people's problems become more important than giving my full attention to my children. I am ASHAMED. I am repentant and I am grieving because I never knew I could become this way. What will my children remember? Dear Lord please let them remember love...not mommy sitting at the computer between household tasks and homework. Let them remember a Mommy that takes them outside to look at the changing leaves.

Now my prayer:

Dear Lord Jesus

I am sorry for failing in the call you put on my life to be a wife and mother. The call you placed on me to mold these little souls to you. I love them. I love you. But I have been escaping from stress into a world that is only somewhat real. Yes the people are real, but so are my children. I can't let this go on. I give you my life Lord. I ask for forgiveness, for letting stuff just stuff come in between not only me and you but me and my family. Break me Lord, mold me. Help me Jesus to be all that you have called me to be. I give you my life Lord. I give you my heart, my mind, my body and my soul. I give you my family. I give you ME. I can not do this alone. I am baring my soul here and it hurts. I am sorry. I want to do better. Help me walk the way you have called me to walk.

Amen

Over the next week I am going to try to break my habits. I will be on Facebook on occasion and I will blog about this journey. Because quite frankly, I do not think I am the only one that struggles with this. I do not think I am the only Mom that finds comfort in facebook, blogs and the like. Motherhood is hard. Finding people online through facebook, blogs, mommy message boards is an escape from the stress. However, I need to go to the ONE, the only ONE who is to be my ONLY source.

While my children are far from neglected and ignored; they are getting only part of me. I must give them more of Mommy. I must let them have my undivided attention. So while my sweet 3 year old slumbers during her nap, I am going to my knees. I am praying God will give this flawed, imperfect mommy strength to live .....One day at a time.

So my blogging friends...take the journey with me. Help me and find in yourself those things that control your attention......we all have them....if we admit it. God bless you. More on Day 2..tomorrow.

Apology Letter

Yesterday, Christopher was being fresh and rude. He spoke very rudely to me. I sent him to his room to think about his behavior and away from the current family activity.

He comes to the bottom of the stairs and says to his baby sisteer "Jennifer, give this to mommy".

Here is what he gave me (side note he can spell better than what is in this letter but I guess he was feeling emotional. I will write it just as written.)

Dear Mom:

I am sory that I talked mean to you. I will by nice to you.

from: your son.


paper: Just a few cents.
pencil: 25 cents
aggravation level before letter: HIGH

Letter of apology: PRICELESS

level of aggravation after letter: Non existent.

I love it when your kids, think to apologize on their own and add a written record of that apology.

We hugged and kissed and all was well. God is so good to me. My kids, to me, are the best kids in the whole world.

Honesty, guilt and repentance

The past month Christopher has been having attitude issues, nightmares and a general sadness about him. About a month ago, after his 14 year old cousin had been in the house, we had money go missing out of Christopher's bank. A LOT of money out of a large bank and we figured it had gone missing over time because my nephew has a problem with sicky fingers and being honest. So naturally everyone thought he was the culprit. So today after Christopher being moody and particurlarly fresh and having had bad dreams all night I asked him

"What is wrong? Something is going on with you. This is not you. Did someone do something to hurt you or did you do something and you don't want to tell us. I then promised him we would not yell or punish him if he admitted whatever was going on with him and was totally honest.

He said: If if it is in the past?

I said: Yes, honey and we shook on it. (Because I KNEW something was eating at him).

He then said: Mama, A did not take the money I moved it from one bank to the other and he didnt steal it. Then he burst into tears and cried like his wee little heart was broken. He was soooooo very sorry and repentant. It was so pitiful. He has been carrying this in his heart for weeks.

First off, moving his money was not wrong and we told him so. It is his money to put in whichever bank he wants. What WAS wrong was letting us continue to think A did it. I believe the reason he didn't admit it is because my dh lost it when he though A had stolen from us again and it was Christopher's money. My dh was angry at A and Christopher saw that so he was afraid his Daddy would be that angry at him. We explained that A has a history of dishonesty and stealing and that is WHY we were so angry when we thought A had done it. It wasn't about the money but about the consistent lying and stealing A HAS been doing. We went on to explain if Christopher will ALWAYS come to us and admit to things he has done and own up to his mistakes we will not be angry, disappointed yes but not angry. And that even if he has to have a consequence to it, he will not be in as much trouble as he would be for lying.

We made Christopher tell his Aunt, his grandmother who helps take care of A and A and ask for their forgiveness. We are also making him tell Mike's parents because we had talked to them about A stealing the money. He will have to ask their forgiveness for his lie(by omission of the facts) to them. I am also going to have him tell one other person, his Children's pastor and ask the children's pastor to pray with him. Christopher was so humble and so repentant. His guilt has eaten him alive! Even the expression on his face has changed since the truth came out. His deameanor is much more peaceful and his body is more relaxed. He admitted this of his own free will when I asked what was going on with him.

I quite franky am proud of him for admitting to it. We would have NEVER known. It was hard for him to admit. But we also knew something was going on with him. He is usually a very honest child. So I really think fear of Daddy being angry with him is at the bottom of it. Mike WAS very angry at A but A has stolen from us again and again and this was the last straw. When we found out A was innocent we let him know immediately that we are sorry as well. But we also let him know that because of his track record our trust has been eroded with him and that we are working to build it back up.

Honesty, guilt and repentance.........I saw it all in my son. The struggle to do the right thing, and Christopher won over that battle. We all have those battles. We all make mistakes and wrong choices but true repentance like I saw in my son.....leads to forgiveness and peace. What a lesson my son and all of us learned today. To carry guilt of wrong doing in your heart does bad things to your heart, mind and body. Christopher's nightmares even his rise in the need of asthma meds the last month all make sense to me. His guilt was eating him alive and his body, mind, will and emotions were showing it. Now as I look into the eyes of my son, I see a clear and peaceful conscience. God is good and my little boy is learning to have character.