Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I am hiding

I had a whole post I was going to write but have changed my mind because I do not think I can protect the innocent or keep the names and identity of those being unfair from being guessed. I have some readers that know far too much about family members that need to not know the family's dirty laundry. (Both immediate and not immediate family)

In airing the dirty laundry, I would "feel" better. I would get some sort of vindication/revenge/joy out of sticking it to the ones who have made me feel inadequate and as less than acceptable. What would I really win though? A fleeting feeling of joy that comes from the release of the vent.

I WANT to kick and scream and throw a tantrum.
I WANT to rant and rave and give some people what for in no uncertain terms.
I WANT to stick it to someone and let them feel what I feel for just ONE day.

what I will do is

PRAY,PRAY, AND PRAY.

I am hurt, I am angry and I feel like I never measure up. Yet to my Father in heaven, I am HIS child and HE will ALWAYS love me, warts and all.

I try to keep my warts, my ugliness and my need to get even hidden. But every once in a while, it creeps in. It threatens to strangle me. I am human despite the belief of some that I should always have it together and never get angry or upset. Despite the fact, I am supposedly super human I do have the need to whine on occasion or blow of some pent up steam.

Why is it not acceptable for a Mom to ever need a break? Why is it not acceptable to WANT some "me time". That is seen as selfish because a real wife and mom does not need that. A real wife and mom does not need to do anything but keep her family fed, house perfect and all in order.

No, I do not cast the blame for this feeling all on the strong shoulders of my husband cause the attitude comes for the most part outside this home. Yet it effects us. It effects the glasses through which my husband does view the world.

It does not come from just one place. The need for me to fit a certain criteria comes from many places. The roles I am supposed to be able to fill, today, feels impossible.

I am one woman, I can not do it all. I have feelings. Because I do not do things the way someone else might, does not make it wrong. I am tired and no one gets that.

In Psalm 27:5 it says "In the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion; in the secret of His tabernacle shall He hide me".

Today I need to hide. I need to hide from the stress and the expectations that are impossible to meet. This may not be the exact trouble referred to in this verse. But my Father promised to take care of me. He did NOT promise my life would be easy. But He did promise to be HERE for me when I need Him. That being said......I have to go into the pavilion. I have to choose to go to HIM so HE can hide me. I can not stand outside the gates of the secret place expecting to be hidden when I will not even go in the door. So, it takes me trusting Him enough to walk in the door of the pavilion and letting HIM hide me. He is not going to pick me up and force me to take the gifts He is giving me for my comfort.

Some days my life is overwhelming and I can't seem to hold on. On those days.......I need to rely on HIM more. Some days, I am floating high and free. On those days......I still need to rely on HIM to be the wind beneath my wings.

So today.........I am choosing to HIDE.........hide in my Savior's love and comfort because I need HIM to cover me like the mother hen covers her chicks. Cause the storms are brewing yet again and I am to tired to face it alone.

Off to hide in the pavilion and surround myself with a blanket of prayer.

2 comments:

Amy said...

There is nothing wrong with needing a break. Actually, it is more admirable to take a break when you need it than to keep going and going only to cause yourself to be bitter and not your best.

And you are right, your Heavenly Father loves you so much more than you could ever fathom!

I don't know you personally, but I do know you are an amazing person, great mom, and awesome Christian!

Keep up the good work and take a break when needed!

Thelma said...

Thanks you so much. After spending some time to myself, I put the kids to bed early last night I do feel better. Thre are still issues to resolve but I am more able to handle them...LOL.

Thanks again Hon!