Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Is it time to go for a swim

Lately I have been overhwhelmed in this journey called motherhood.

With Christopher I want him to "grow up and act his age", when that is just what he is doing. He is 6 years old and he is acting just the way 6 year olds act. He is very bright and too often I expect him to be on the same level emotionally as his brain is mentally. That isn't fair. Because when you get down to it, yes he is bright but he is still only 6 years old. Yes, he has faith beyond his years, but he is only 6 years old. Why can't I enjoy the fact he is just a little boy and he needs me to treasure these childish moments. He asks, begs, pleads for me to play with him. Yet, too many times, I am "too tired" or "too busy right now". I have to stop that. How long would it take to just sit down and play with him for a bit and see the joy light his face like the sunshine in the eastern sky at dawn.

With Hannah, she at 3 years and a couple of months is finally interested in potty training again. She quit when the baby was born. Yet, I find myself impatient with the whole potty thing and wanting to rush her and yes even scold her. She IS trying.....but lately it hasn't been good enough for mommy cause mommy is tired of cleaning up her messes. That is so unfair. She is trying and she cant learn overnight. Yet sometimes that is how I act. She is such a happy little girl and sees beauty in everything, including mommy when I am at my worst. She tells me all the time "I just like you mommy". Yet do I want her to be like me with the poor attitude I have had lately. I dont want to crush her beautiful spirit. She is like a budding flower so beautiful, yet so fragile. Why can't I just let her go at her own pace and grow up like the Lord intended.

With Jennifer, at all of 8 months, lately I even get frustrated with her. She is still just a baby. She is so petite and so tiny and so precious. Yet I get frustrated when she loses her binky at 3 am and I have to get up and help her find it. Why cant I use that moment to gain an extra cuddle and sweet time with her without anyone else clamoring for attention. Instead, I try to reinsert the binky and see if I can get her back to sleep quickly. Yet those times I do take the time to hold her and cuddle her and not rush her back to sleep are so precious. She lays her little head on my shoulder as I pat her back and strokes my face with that tiny little hand. As if to say "Mommy, I am so glad you are here". She can't say I love you......but oh how she shows it.

Why is it I get so frustrated with my dear husband simply because he doesn't do things the way I WANT them done. He does help.....just not exactly the way I want. Help should be help and so many men don't help their wives. Many men aren't the awesome fathers to their children my husband is.

Why do I leave my Lord out so much. When He is calling me to a deeper place in Him. Yet, there I stand at the edge of the water dipping my toe in like I have something to fear. I have never had to fear anything the Lord has called me too. The water is nice and calm yet there I stand, still toe dipping instead of jumping in head first. Maybe it is time to go for a swim and find out what happens when I immerse myself in a deeper place in Jesus. Perhaps then all this frustration will be washed away by the calm, quiet waters of His presence. So maybe just maybe I need to go for a swim, no not maybe IT IS TIME to go for a swim. So I need to work on myself to make myself a better Christian, a better wife, and a better mom. I need to value each person in my family for who they are and look for the good in them. It is time to jump in, get wet and go for that swim.


Tinamtl said...

I can relate to all of that.

I think we all go through that Thelma. We just do the best we can.

When we know better we do better.